13. Not this time

Is your silence that golden?
Are you comfortable in it?
Is it the key to your freedom
Or is it the bars on your prison?
Are you gagged by your ribbons?
Are you really exclusive or just miserly?
You spend every sentence as if it was marked currency.
Come and spend some on me.
Shut me up and talk to me.

"Talk To Me"
Joni Mitchell

I'm dead.

I swear, the world stopped turning. If someone had checked for my vital signs right then, they would have pronounced me dead... no breath, no pulse... nothing.

All that girlfriend-talking was about ME?

I gaped at the boy in front of me and watched his expression change from anticipation to confusion, from confusion to disappointment, and then from disappointment to something close to panic – before my body remembered how to breathe.

And then that fucking single telltale tear came loose from my lashes and rolled down my cheek. Eventually I found it in me to open my mouth and say... something, "Edward, you..."

"Stop!" he cut me off, almost shouting.

Both his hand flew up to his mouth, covering it. "Don't answer," he mumbled behind them. He squinted his eyes a few times, as if wanting to blink away what they perceived. Then he pressed his palms flat together in front of his lips and shook his head.

"Oh God, that sucked!" he moaned. "Can we delete that?"

I was still in shock, feeling like I was moving through thick fog, and seemingly unable to react in real-time. Before I managed to utter an answer, I saw Kiddo getting frustrated with waiting. He stood up, walked around the table and kneeled down next to me. One of his hands grabbed the backrest of my chair; the other clutched the edge of the table.

"That was a stupid question, sorry," he whispered. And with a faltering smile he added, "I wasn't paying attention, I just followed some really, really bad advice."

Kiddo kneeling in front of me. Epic cerebral failure.

Our faces were almost at the same height. I stared into the green abyss of his eyes, and my thoughts started to straggle randomly. I noticed absentmindedly that something was wrong with his hair.

it smells like... peaches? Oh... he used my shampoo - that's cute. What is he so anxious about again? He is always so tense... pretty long toes – why is he barefoot anyway?... I think I should clear the table now...

I briefly patted the hand that gripped the table and got up from the chair. Kiddo rose too, and watched incredously as I started to remove the remains of our breakfast.

"Annie, could you please say something?" He paused, waiting for me to speak. "Are you mad at me?"

I turned my back on him and busied myself with sorting things back into the fridge. My ability to speak recovered first but thinking was still difficult. "Why do you always think I'm mad at you?" I asked him, irritably. "I'm not your mother, Edward."

When I turned around again, I saw him still standing on the same spot, and my brain finally decided to follow. I immediately regretted my harsh words and embarrassment washed over me; he looked so insecure.

"You did nothing wrong," I assured him. "It's all me. If I'd known you were talking about me, I would have never..." I trailed off, noticing I was close to tears again.

Jesus, what's wrong with me?

"I thought you knew," he said, slowly approaching me. "I thought you wanted me to ask. I'm such a moron." When the tips of our feet almost touched, he stopped.

I leaned back against the fridge door. There was definitely something going on with walls and doors at my back when Kiddo was around.

"Women of my age just don't become... someone's... 'Girlfriend'," I said firmly, struggling hard to keep my composure. He was already...

...too close, much too close...

...flustering me again and I wanted to keep my head on straight this time. I'd be damned if I'd fuck this up more than I had already. "Edward - you are twenty-two!"

I put one hand flat against his chest, in order to push him a little further away... I think. But then I felt his heart pounding under my palm, it was racing, and I let my hand stay there.

"I know that," he answered. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me... how much you intimidate me, because you are just so out of my league? I mean, look at me..."

He held one hand up between us, fingers spread. It was shaking.

"I'm having the jitters right now!" he snorted, and clenched his hand into a fist to steady it. "But Annie, you came to me. I didn't have much of a choice in this. And you even took me home with you – I still can't believe how easy it was. And then you said you wanted me."

He was getting pretty worked-up while he spoke; his breath quickened – and so did mine.

Just to see him ruffled like this because of me undid all my resolutions. My hand traveled down from his chest to his stomach against my will. His heartbeat seemed to pulsate through his entire body; I could feel it everywhere. His gaze followed my hand and he shivered under my touch.

"And you meant it. I know you did," he rasped, clenching and unclenching the fist he was still holding up. My own wayward hand had reached the waistband of Kiddos's jeans, and I hooked my fingers into it.

"Yes, I did," I whispered.

He exhaled sharply and leaned forward, pressing both hands flat against the metal surface behind me. He spoke hastily, barely pausing between sentences, "Yes, you did. Hell knows I didn't deserve it, but you wanted me. After I screwed up with your neighbor... lover... whatever, you still wanted me. After I pulled you down with me in your hallway like a drooling zombie, you still wanted me."

His breath became even more labored as I started to slowly swirl my thumb along the trail of hair below his belly button.

He kept looking down on it while he continued, "And don't tell me this is just about sex, because Annie – even after I proved to be the world's lousiest lover –" He shook his head, laughing mirthlessly, "I thought I was in the know just because I've had my hands in the panties of one or two cheerleaders, but in fact... God, I really don't know anything about how to handle a real... a perfect woman like you. But even then you showed me in such a wonderful way that you still wanted me!"

He finally paused, and swallowed audibly. "Annie?"

I closed my eyes, recalling the sensation of his sleeping body against me, his warm embrace and how I had fought my somnolence because I didn't want to miss a single second of it.

"I wanted you even more then," I admitted.

"Then why do I suddenly feel that you keep on thinking about a way to kick my ass out of here?"

I felt his hands on my collarbones, trembling, and light as feathers; his fingertips were ghosting along my neck. I gripped his waistband tighter and pulled a little, eliciting a brief moan from him.

"What happened... Annie?" I heard him ask, his voice breaking as he said my name. "When did it stop?"

It didn't stop!

"It didn't stop."

Did I just... say it? Out loud?

Kiddo's head fell forward into the hollow of my neck, and he exhaled a long "Fuuuuuck..."

And suddenly his arms were around me, pressing my body against his so tightly that the air left my lungs with a gasp. My feet lost ground for a second and I only stood on my tiptoes.

He started to place soft kisses on my shoulder and my neck, whispering breathlessly, "... it didn't...? (kiss) ...you still...? (kiss)…God, you can't... (kiss) … I just found you... (kiss) ... Annie..."

I could only make out broken bits of what he was saying, but his lips on my skin made my legs turn to jelly and I felt the familiar heat building between my thighs. My right hand was sandwiched between us, useless for now, but my left slid into his hair, telling him not to stop, and I tilted my head back to grant him better access.

He responded with the sexiest groan I'd ever heard, followed by a few more, this time open-mouthed kisses along my jaw, up to my ear.

"All I want is to love you, Annie," he breathed against my earlobe, and my juices began to flow as if he had pushed a button.

God, yes...!

He continued whispering into my ear, "You don't need to love me back now."

While still holding me tightly at the small of my back, his right hand wandered to my hip and down my thigh until he found the hem of my dress and slipped underneath.

"Please..." His lips brushed my temple, "can't you just let me love you?"

Love me... how? What...? Make love to me?

It was hard to think coherently.

"Will you, Annie? Can I love you?"

His breath on my skin and his hoarse pleading did it for me. I wanted him so much it hurt. I wanted to feel him, I wanted him to be all over me and inside me, and I wanted to be his fucking girlfriend!

"Fuck, yes!" I whimpered, while his fingers stroked my thigh, moving upwards.

He sighed, "Yes..."

And then suddenly his hand paused at the laced rim of my stay-ups, and he moaned, "God... I need to see that..."

When I felt his fingers slide down to the hollow of my knee, I understood immediately what he was about to do. With a little effort, I quickly squirmed my still-captured hand free from between us and slung my arms around his neck. Like in a well-rehearsed choreography, we moved at once; his hands went under my ass as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He lifted me up, turned us around and gently set me down on top of the kitchen counter.

I let go of him to support myself on the marble countertop with my arms behind me, and he leaned back a little bit; resting his hands lightly on my thighs above the thin fabric of my dress. His eyes found mine, asking for permission. His face looked so beautiful. I bit my lower lip and nodded.

In a distant corner of my mind I realized I had been fooling myself when I had ignored my usual jeans-and-tee leisure kit this morning. Dressing in black silk lingerie and stay-ups underneath my best Furstenberg wrap dress instead, yet meaning to send Kiddo away? Sure!

Kiddo slowly pushed the fabric up my thighs, caressing me with his thumbs on the way, until the tails of my dress opened and fell down on either side of me. He paused for a moment and exhaled through puckered lips, taking in the sight of me, before his fingers started to graze the now exposed skin above my stockings.

"You are drop-dead gorgeous," he muttered under his ragged breaths, probably not even aware of the timid smile that lit up his face. He looked up and his eyes scanned my face: they traveled from my mouth up to my eyes and around my head in quick movements. "So gorgeous..." he repeated.

The knowledge that this adorable young man in front of me liked what he saw, and seeing his unconcealed desire for me only added to my arousal. With something close to a growl, I hooked my fingers into his waistband again and pulled him towards me. "Off!" I hissed, tearing at his shirt.

Without hesitation, he raised his arms, I pulled, and a second later his black tee was on the floor in a pile. While I started to unbutton his jeans, his fingers found my swollen nub and stroked it through the damp silk of my panties; the sensation was so intense that I gasped loudly.

How the fuck do you do that, Kiddo?

I was glad that there was neither a belt nor any more buttons this time. I leaned forward and rubbed my nose against his stubbled jaw, inhaling his scent, as I pulled down the zipper. He helped me to shove his jeans and boxers down with one hand. His erection sprang free, and I grabbed it at once, squeezing a little.

"Oh..." he moaned and tilted his head to look down on himself.

"You like to watch, do you?" I panted against his open mouth, administering one first slow stroke.

"Yes, I do," he panted back.

His thumb slid underneath my panties and briefly dipped into my wet entrance; then he started rubbing my clit in slow, juicy circles. I whimpered with pleasure and rocked my hips against his hand. I more felt than saw his mouth curl up to a - probably crooked – smile. Was he by any chance getting a little cocky?

That's kinda sexy, Kiddo, but...

Leaning back, I let go of his dick and lifted my hand to my mouth – very slowly, to make sure he was watching every move – and paused for a moment. When I was absolutely positive I had his full attention, I locked eyes with him, slid out my tongue and licked across the inside of my hand, from the palm to the fingertips. With satisfaction I saw his eyes widen. Then I reached down again, determined to switch that nonchalant grin off.

As soon as I started to circle my slick palm around his tip, Kiddo's eyes rolled back in his head; a long groan rumbled through him, and I chuckled darkly.


Kiddo gave me exactly five seconds to relish my triumph. Then he grasped my nape, pulled me towards him and hungrily pressed his mouth on mine. At the same time he slid two fingers inside me and increased the pressure of his thumb on my clit.

Oh... fuck!

I cried out at the sensation of it, and next thing I knew was Kiddo's tongue on mine, swirling, licking, playing, exploring my mouth; there was a noticeable touch of aggression to it. It sent an extended family of butterflies right into the center of the hot furnace that used to be my stomach, and I kissed him back for all it was worth.

I grabbed his length harder and stroked from base to head – a little too fiercely maybe, but he didn't complain. He curled his fingers upward and continued to pump in and out of me, and I almost lost it right then.

Neither of us was teasing anymore. Neither of us would break the kiss. And for a while, the only way left to communicate our mutual desires for each other were sustained, muffled moans.

His thumb never ceased to work on the most sensitive spot of my girly bits, driving me closer and closer to the edge, and suddenly it became too much. I brought my hand up from behind me, grasped a fistful of his hair and roughly pulled his head back from mine.

"God... Kiddo!" I cried, and he hissed – whether from the pain on his scalp or because of the name I'd called him, I couldn't tell. But he froze and looked at me in surprise, his chest heaving.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked worriedly, stroking my cheek. I melted away yet a little more.

God... he is so sweet!

"Not at all," I answered breathlessly, rocking my hips against his hand. "But if you go on like that, I swear, I'm going to come in a few seconds."

His eyes lit up with enthusiasm. "Really?"

He looked down again at his hand with such a cute expression of almost scientific intentness, that I bit back a giggle. I brought my mouth to his ear and purred, "Really."

He gently slid out of me and hooked one finger under the strap of my panties, pulling tentatively. "Then... why don't you?"

I tenderly bit his earlobe before I answered, "Because I want you to take these off and fuck me; because I want to come with you inside me."

I rejoiced at the guttural groan my disclosure elicited from him. Supporting myself on both arms, I lifted my hips. Kiddo held onto the straps of my panties and, backing off, swiftly pulled them down my legs. I heard a shuffling sound when he used his bare feet to get rid of his jeans and boxers. He stepped out of them and grabbed my waist.

I slung my arms around his neck and once again relished the feel of his mouth and his tongue. I couldn't get enough of that... his smell, his taste and the way he was breathing heavily through his nose when our lips were locked. A real kiss... like we were a real couple.

He pulled his mouth from mine. "I want you so badly, Annie," he said, out of breath, and his hands went down to cup my bum. "But this..." he suddenly snickered, "...honestly – this fucking counter is too high!"

Are you kidding me?

I buried my face in his shoulder and snorted with laughter. "No, it isn't," I chuckled. "It's rather your legs are too short."

We cackled hysterically, as he lifted me off the counter.. Holding me tight to his chest, he turned around, scanning the room. "Where, Annie?" he giggled.

I raised my head from his shoulder, and saw him frowning at the big, black, weird-noises-producing leather couch. Then our eyes met again. "No way!" we snorted in unison.

"Bed!" I wheezed, "Bedroom!" But Kiddo was already moving. Within seconds we fell onto the mattress, bouncing off a little, and then he was all over me with his hands and his mouth, as if he wanted to eat me up. In next to no time our giggles stopped and were replaced again by pants and moans.

"...dress..." I gasped between his kisses, "...off first... fucking expensive..."

Kiddo got onto his knees und impatiently tugged at the ribbons. I arched my back, and he tore my dress away from under me. With that, our last remains of restraint were used up, neither of us bothered to take care of the fabric left – the bra was allowed to stay. As were the stockings.

Before I could lower myself back down again, Kiddo's arm was around my waist. He heaved me onto his lap so that I straddled him and positioned me on his cock with one unerring move. We cried out in unison as I pushed down and buried him deep inside me.

He held on tight to my hips to steady me. Maybe he needed time to adjust to the feeling, but I sure as hell didn't. He filled me perfectly and I just couldn't consider any of his restraint problems right now. I locked my gaze with his and panted, "No – not this time!"

Then I grabbed his knees behind me for leverage and slowly started to ride him.

I tried to keep a gentle rhythm first, afraid to get him off too soon. But he felt so fucking good, the angle was perfect and his hard cock hit all the right spots inside of me. Soon my movements became more frantic.

Kiddo didn't loosen his grip, but his hips came up to meet me. I felt him supporting me with his hands, lifting me up and pulling me down on him. And each time he did, he thrust into me harder and deeper.

I wondered briefly how he suddenly could hold back so well, because I already felt my walls tighten around him. Kiddo looked at my face from under half-closed lids, his head slightly tilted back and his mouth open and he seemed very focused. But I couldn't contain myself any longer...

"Oh God..." I moaned, "...I'm coming, baby, don't stop... oh, fuck..."

"Yeah?" he sighed, his voice velvety.

Before my eyes rolled back in my head, I saw the most gorgeous smile brighten his face. A brief euphoric laugh mixed with his ecstatic breathing – the sound of it incredibly erotic. And then I exploded around him with the most intense orgasm I'd ever had in my life. My own cries erased any other noises as hot waves of pleasure pulsated through my entire body again and again.


When I came back to my senses I was lying flat on my back with Kiddo's heated body half over me. He supported his weight on one elbow, breathing hot kisses into my cleavage and muttering something unintelligible. His hand was between my thighs, lazily stroking my wet folds.

I had no idea how and when we had changed positions. But I realized he had done it again; he had withdrawn himself during my climax!

I'll be damned! What...?

I took his face in my hands to lift it up to me and whispered, "Kiddo?"

"Mmm?" He looked up, not even wincing at the use of my secret name for him. His eyes were still a little glazed, the green darker than usual, and his gently curved lips slightly swollen from our kissing. The blond streaks of his hair pointed into every possible direction; I raked my fingers through them and smiled.

Oh my God, this is the most sexy freshly-fucked-face ever!

A sudden realization hit me, and I decided to give him the good news first.

"Congratulations!" I said.

His hand between my legs stilled and he raised his brows in a silent question.

"You just gave me my first pure vaginal orgasm," I explained. "Thank you."

"What does that mean?" He was confused, but apparently got the hazy notion that my declaration meant something good – a cute lopsided smile was trying to steal its way onto his face.

"That means you are the first man who made me come without additionally stimulating me with his hands."

Kiddo rolled to his side, and I did the same to face him. His hand swept up to my waist and rested there. Judging from his expression, my explanation had only added to his confusion.

"You mean you usually don't have orgasms just the... normal way?" he asked, unbelieving.

I snickered, and shook my head, "The normal way? Jesus... what is that supposed to mean? No, it's actually not quite that easy... not in my case, anyway."

"Oh, I thought... well, I didn't know that," he said, intrigued.

"Well, now you know. A lot of women need a little more attention than just penetration to be able to finish. As much as I enjoy the normal way, as you put it – without any, um... extras, it used to be a little unsatisfactory for me."

"But not this time," he stated, and the smile finally prevailed.

"No – not this time," I confirmed, smiling back at him. "It was amazing, Edward."

He bent forward and kissed me tenderly. "Well, then... congratulations to you, too," he whispered. "Would you mind telling me how exactly I did that? Just because that would be a quite valuable piece of information, you know?"

"Edward," I laughed, "I truly have no idea."

"Too bad..." he sighed, still smiling happily.

"Maybe it doesn't really depend on how it is done, but rather on who does it?" I mused.

His eyes softened, and he kissed me once again, "I like that thought. A lot." He was stroking my side. "Can I hold you a little, Annie?"

Instead of an answer, I snuggled against his chest. Kiddo wrapped me in his solid arms, buried his nose in my hair and inhaled deeply. Something hard was twitching against my belly, reminding me of a certain issue.

"Edward, I want you to know that I'm wearing a loop, so you don't need to worry about contraception, ok?"

"Ok," he answered after a few seconds. "I didn't even worry about that, actually... how stupid! But thanks for telling me."

He didn't worry about that?

"What I'm trying to say is: it is safe, Edward. I've been tested, too - if that's the problem. I'm negative."

He pulled his head back to look at me. "Why are you telling me all of this?" he asked, sounding alarmed. "Just in case you're wondering, I'm having regular health tests because of my work at the retirement home. I'm clean. I would never-"

"Edward," I interrupted him, reaching down to lay my hand on his now semi-hard dick which instantly came to new life under my touch. "That's why I'm telling you these things. You could have come with me... inside me – but just like last night you withdrew instead, and I don't get it. If it is not about pregnancy or HIVor whatever... "

He exhaled loudly, "It's complicated."

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. Instead he pulled my hand from his cock.

"What's wrong, Edward?" I felt surprisingly mortified by his wordless refusal of my touch. But then the same odd expression that had made me so sad the night before, suddenly veiled his eyes. It lasted for no longer than a second before it was gone again. But in that brief moment, I had seen it clearly.

Fear! What in the name of God can he be afraid of?

"Are you... scared?" I asked bluntly.

Interlacing our fingers, he kissed the back of my hand and nodded. "Scared to death, to be honest," he whispered with a wry smile. "It's not your fault, Annie; please don't even think about it. It's just me; I'm such a freak..."

"But what are you scared of?" I asked, entirely confused now.

Once again he pressed my hand against his lips and squeezed it tightly. He closed his eyes and mumbled something against my skin. I wasn't sure, but it sounded like 'drowning'.

Before I could push him any more, he opened his eyes again and softly spoke, "Annie - would you believe me if I said that right now I'm having the most wonderful moment of my life? I know that you just want me to feel good and this adds to my bliss even more. I promise I will try to explain everything to you soon, but..." he faltered.

"...not this time?" I offered, smiling at him to let him know that I believed him.

"Yes." He smiled back, thankfully. "Not this time."

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