11. I like watching you sleep

His gaze, going past those bars, has got so misted
with tiredness, it can take in nothing more.
He feels as though a thousand bars existed,
and no more world beyond them than before.

Those supply powerful paddings, turning there
in tiniest of circles, well might be
the dance of forces round a centre where
some mighty will stands paralyticly.

Just now and then the pupils' noiseless shutter
is lifted. - Then an image will indart,
down through the limbs' intensive stillness flutter,
and end its being in the heart.

"The Panther"
Rainer Maria Rilke

I took my task very seriously. The fact that I could attend to some of Kiddo's basic needs, instead of dealing with this disturbing (relationship?) situation we had because of my inappropriate sexual attack, made me feel less guilty. And less naughty.

I wanted to do this right. I wanted to be able to say it was a good thing that he was with me tonight, because I took care of him when he needed help.

Awesome, Portman! Just ignore that he needs help because of you, in the first place...

Once I got Kiddo on his feet again, I shoved him into the heated bathroom. He argued with me about making use of the now perfectly tempered bubble bath. Only after I threatened to use physical violence, he gave in and rewarded me with a smile. I was very tempted to help him undress, but with something close to supernatural self-restraint, I just told him to leave his clothes on the floor and get his butt into the hot water.

Then I left the bathroom and closed the door behind me, pretty proud of myself. Getting Kiddo (naked!) warm? Check! And I hadn't even peeked...

You didn't even peek? Duh!

The next point on my task list was a bit of a challenge: Food. I was the most miserable cook on earth. I used to eat in the office cafeteria; sometimes I would call the pizza delivery, if I needed a meal in the evening. Not even I would eat anything I had prepared. My stocks of food were virtually zero.

And 'high in carbs'? What did that mean? I wished I had payed more attention to 'Rosalie's' daily diet reports – admittedly, the little bitch was almost a nutritionist, sort of. I remembered when she had tried the low carb thing a month ago... no white bread, right?

A sandwich then! Checking my availabilities, I found out that I could offer a decent tuna sandwich with salad, onions and mayonnaise. I even had canned mandarin slices in my cupboard. Yummy!

After I had prepared everything, I knocked on the bathroom door, but Kiddo didn't answer. Peeking through the door crack, I saw he had fallen asleep in the hot bubble bath. So I slipped inside, sat down on the bathtub rim and...

Oh Lord, give me strength!

… just filled my eyes. His head had fallen back, exposing his long neck and the bulging Adam's apple. He was breathing through his open mouth and his perfectly sculptured chest was heaving evenly. As if hypnotized, my eyes followed a single drop of water running down from his collarbone to his nipple where it got stuck for a moment. I wanted to lick it away.

Kiddo naked. And wet. In my bathtub. I tried to peek through the gaps in the slowly melting foam.

Knock it off already, Portman!

It broke my heart to wake him up, but I did. I brought him his hoodie and the biggest towel I had, because there was really nothing in my wardrobe to cover his lower regions properly.

Well, he might have been able to squeeze himself into my yoga pants, but the mere thought of... uh, really – no!

He commended me on my sandwich, confirming the nutrient content was absolutely fine, and asked for another one, which made me ridiculously proud again. Feed Kiddo? Check!

Keeping him awake for another half an hour turned out to be the hardest part. Now that he was warm and sated, he could hardly keep his eyes open. I made him explain his diabetes therapy to me, which seemed to help. He showed me his insulin pens and the glucose meter, which kinda looked like a trendy cell phone. I was unable to follow his elaborations on insulin management and target blood sugar and what else, but I was glad it made him focus and kept him from falling asleep.

After 30 minutes, I gave him some privacy to attend to his therapy. I stuffed his damp clothes into the dryer and cleaned up a little in the bathroom. After that, I maneuvered a meanwhile semi-comatose Kiddo to my bedroom. There was definitely no need for any sedatives – he sank on the mattress like a fallen tree. However, he started another, if pretty weak argument about the use of the bed. I assured him, I'd be fine on the couch and that, other than his, my feet wouldn't jut out – which eventually convinced him. He stripped off his hoodie; I threw the blanket over him, wished him a good night and left the room.

Kiddo medicated? Check! Kiddo off to bed? Check!

Portman – you're a fucking superheroine!


After I had taken a shower and, still in my bathrobe, settled in my makeshift bed on the couch, I lay awake for a long time. First off, that fucking leather couch did make weird noises. Since Kiddo had made me aware of them, they kinda got on my nerves too. Second – he was in my bedroom. In my bedroom! Shouldn't I check in at least once to see if he was all right?

And maybe have one more look at his bare chest? Sure, Portman!

As soon as I had opened the bedroom door, the sight that met my eyes killed me. He was naked. I mean, naked... like in, naked!

The towel lay on the floor beside the bed, and the blanket had half slid down too. Kiddo lay on his back, sound asleep, putting the sheer magnitude of his perfect male beauty on display in the dim, warm light of the small bed lamp.

I wouldn't have been able to turn around and leave the room, if it had been for my life. I climbed on the bed, cautiously to not stir the mattress too much, and sat down. I just had to look at him.

My vision of him naked, when I had been dreaming on the roof, did him no justice. His body was toned, but still lean. I noticed that his legs and hips weren't as tanned as his upper body, so it was natural tan. He had mentioned gardening, right? I was delighted to see that the hair on his legs was blond too. Even the darker hair that surrounded his now soft and innocent cock, was scattered by some blond curls.

Following a sudden impulse, I slipped out of my bathrobe and threw it behind me. Being naked too, I felt less like a fucking peeper. I pulled my legs up to my chest, slung my arms around them and rested my chin on my knees. Sitting like that, I let my eyes drink in his beauty for quite a while, bravely trying to ignore the knot in my stomach and the wetness building between my legs.

I couldn't believe he didn't have a girlfriend. There should have been loads of doting girls banging his door down. But we hadn't talked about it yet – maybe there was a girlfriend? I sighed.

Why are you here, Kiddo?

I turned my gaze to his face, and my breath caught for a second. His eyes were wide open. I hadn't even noticed he had woken. And how long had he been awake already?

"Hey," I said softly. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Why aren't you?" he returned my question. "And why are you here?"

I smiled at him, playfully. "This is my bed, remember?"

"As if I could forget about that," he muttered under his breath.

The shadows under his beautiful eyes looked even darker now in the dim light, and he hadn't moved a muscle while we were speaking. Knowing how spent he was, I felt bad to keep him from the rest he needed more than anything else.

"I didn't mean to wake you up, Edward, I just..."

...like watching you sleep.

"...wanted to make sure, you were ok."

He looked at me for a while, silently, motionless. I knew, I should get the fuck out of this room and leave him alone, but I just still couldn't bring myself to take my eyes off of him.


If I hadn't seen his lips move, I wouldn't have been sure he actually said something.


"You're naked," he whispered.

"So are you," I whispered back.

Bestirring for the first time, he raised his head a little to look down on himself.

"Oh..." His head fell back onto the pillow. He threw his forearm over his eyes and moaned, "This is a little embarrassing."

I quick look showed me what he was talking about; a certain part of his body had obviously just decided to ignore Kiddo's general state of exhaustion. My groin tightened and I licked my lips.


This was definitely my cue to get out of here, before things got out of hand.

Or rather into my hand. Jesus...!

Moving to get up, I muttered, "The blanket is right here, I'll get it and then..."

I felt his hand around my wrist, holding me back. "Please... don't. Don't leave."

"Edward," I sighed, not looking at him, "you're dead tired, you need to sleep. I promised Law to take care of everything, and this is really not the way, don't you think?"

"Fuck Law," he said softly.

It was the first time he had uttered a profanity like that, and to hear him say the F-word in his velvety voice immediately flushed my body with heat. I swallowed.

"You did take care, and it is silly of me to be ashamed," he continued. He was tentatively pulling me down, while he spoke, "I don't want to cover myself when I'm with you, Annie. In any way."

As soon as he noticed that I didn't resist his approach, he let go and his arm fell back onto the mattress. I turned my head to face him. His gaze never left mine as I stretched out next to him on my back.

And there we lay, looking into each others eyes, perfectly still – like in...

...the meadow scene – rated M!

For a few minutes, we neither spoke nor touched. Our hands lay between us, so close that I only needed to move my pinky to make contact, but I didn't.

"You're so pretty," he said. "Do you know that? How am I supposed to sleep when you're so pretty?"

I held my breath, my skin started tingling. He thought I was pretty.

"Tell me what you want, Annie."

What I...? Uh, no way.

I exhaled the breath I'd been holding, "What do you mean?"

"No – Annie, don't..." He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed. "Don't do that. You're here by my side – naked – when I think you should be mad at me, because you have every reason to be. But instead you saved me, you fed me, you put me to bed – your own bed – and you care for me like I was your... I don't know... what am I to you, Annie?"

His words and the way he sank his green eyes into mine ripped the breath from my lungs. I more mouthed than spoke, "I don't know."

"Do you want to know what you are to me?" he asked.

I could only nod.

"You are a miracle to me, Annie. You don't know how long I've waited for you..."

Oh. My. God. – He didn't say that, did he?

I closed my eyes and moaned silently; I thought I was going to faint. This was insane! A hot ache began in my groin, my head was swirling, and if I had thought I couldn't get any wetter...

Get a grip, Portman. The poor boy is half delirious; he doesn't know what he's saying.

"I can see your true colors, Annie, and when you speak the truth, they are almost too beautiful to bear, so please..."

Delirious. Hallucinating.

"...what do you want from me, Annie – if only right now? Can't you just say it?"

I can't!

"I want you!" I blurted breathlessly. "I want you so badly it hurts. Right now, I'm soaking wet and aching to have your hard cock inside me, ok? Shit..."

Once more he had dazzled the truth out of me.

I covered my eyes with one hand and moaned, "God, Edward, this is all kinds of wrong... but the only thing I want you to do right now is to take me and fuck me senseless."

There was a moment of silence; I heard Kiddo exhale one long breath. And then I felt the mattress stir as he shifted his body alongside mine until we touched. "I can't promise I can get this right, Annie..." he said; he took my hand by the wrist and removed it from my face, to make me look at him. "...but I would like to try. If you'd let me?"

Oh God... yes, please... try!

He shoved one knee between my legs and moved himself half way over me, supporting his weight on one arm. I almost choked with the sensation of his warm skin on mine – every single cell of my body screaming 'Yes!' – and when I felt his erection on my hip, I couldn't help but grab his buttocks and grind my wet sex against his thigh.

In no time, we both were breathing heavily; neither of us wanted much foreplay.

He lifted his hips a little, placing his other leg between my thighs and pushing them further apart.

Hovering high over me on his extended left arm, he reached down between us with his right hand and I felt the back of it brush over my wet folds. I bucked my hips and drew in a sharp breath.

He moaned and his hand stopped. "Please... don't move," he whispered hoarsely.

"God, Edward..." I gasped, bewilderedly. "What do you...?

Was he trying to tease me?

"Shhhh..." he said, looking at me under half-closed lids. His mouth was formed into a small 'o' and his brows were slightly furrowed; when he moved his hand again, his breath quickened up another notch. And so did mine, when I felt him positioning his tip at my entrance.

His left arm trembled with the effort to hold himself up, but he paused once more.

"Don't move," he breathed again.

And though I half felt as if I was losing my mind, I surrendered and let him take charge. Surprisingly, the other half of me relished the idea of not being in control.

"Ok... it's ok..." I assured him, panting.

He pulled his right hand up and placed it next to my shoulder, supporting his weight on both arms now. His trapezius muscles bulged as he did, begging for me to sink my teeth into them. The head of his cock skimmed my swollen clit. I bit my lips, craving for him to move.

Christ... Kiddo, fuck me already!

I raised my arms above my head and grabbed the headboard, desperately trying to give him what he had asked for. All I could think by now was that I had to have him inside me or die.

Oh, please... Just. Do. It.

After a few more agonizing moments, he arched his back and his hips thrust forward in one slow, powerful move. He threw his head back and gasped, as he entered me fully. My walls tightened around him immediately, the sensation of him finally filling me was incredibly intense.

He pulled back a little, and a loud, sob-like cry escaped me. In a split-second, he stopped dead once again and let go a suppressed groan. It was sheer torment.

When he eventually thrust into me again, I grabbed the headboard harder, trying to keep myself from moaning, because it finally dawned on me that he was...

...he isn't teasing, he is...

...struggling with his self-restraint. My utterly adorable, but inexperienced young lover was trying to prolong this, and my ecstatic noises obviously didn't help his cause.

I could tell from the way his eyes kept holding mine, he was trying for me. He had opened his mouth in ecstasy, as he was slowly – much too slowly – moving in me, and whenever the slightest whimper escaped me, he would hold still for a second. His eyes wanted to roll back in his head, but he forced his gaze back on me again and again, appraisingly... lovingly.

He wants this to be about me.

The realization almost brought me to tears... this beautiful boy was the sweetest living thing. He wanted me to come first – and God, I would let him have that!

I reached one hand down between us to rub against myself. It wouldn't take long; I had been close literally from the very first moment he had entered me. I couldn't suppress another moan though, making Kiddo hold on again, and suddenly I felt his hand on mine.

"Please let me... let me do this for you, Annie."

I let him pull my hand away, and he shoved one arm under me and around my waist, his other hand grabbed the headboard for support. Holding me, he cautiously got on his knees, concerned about keeping us joined. Bending over me, he tightened his grip around my middle and pulled my hips up and closer towards him.

The movement brought him even deeper inside me, and he grinded his teeth and groaned, as he slowly lowered my back down until my head and shoulders met the mattress.

"...you 'k?" he asked between pants.

I looked up at him in wonder, beguiled by his thoughtful tenderness. "Yes."

Still holding me under the small of my back, he started moving in me again. I dug my fingers into his thighs and whimpered silently.

This time it didn't make him stop. He let go of the headboard and laid his palm on my cheek. His thumb brushed my lips, and I opened my mouth and sucked it in, eliciting a brief groan from him.

Bit by bit he raised his upper body, while his hand wandered along my neck, down between my breasts and across my stomach, all the way to where I needed it the most. Sitting up straight on his heels at last, he pressed the ball of his hand against my mound.

Then he said huskily, "I'll make you cum now, Annie." And while our bodies where rocking back and forth with his thrusts, he began to circle, and stroke, and push my clit with the thumb I had sucked just now.

Heated-up beyond all measures by the previous stop-and-go, it was all I needed. I came almost immediately, my head fell back and I cried out with the intensity of my orgasm.

In a distant corner of my consciousness I heard Kiddo moan my name...

"Annie... oh God... Annie... yes..."

I felt him pull out of me while I was still riding out my climax. But before I could complain at the loss, his fingers were inside my contracting cleft, prolonging the sensation, and I moaned loudly.

He waited until my breathing had slowed down before he removed his hand from my swollen sex. Then he maneuvered himself over my trembling leg and came to stretch out on his side next to me. I rolled over to face him, and felt his still rock-hard erection twitch against my belly.

Why did you do that, Kiddo?

I felt blissfully wonderful, but utterly confused. He looked at me intensely, still breathing heavily. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt him somehow? Or did he worry about contraception?

Before I could ask any questions, he took my hand, pulled it down and made me grab his cock. He closed his hand above mine and, holding it that way, started to stroke. His breath sped up a little more again, and his eyes were half shut, but he kept his gaze.

His hips started to rock with the movement of our hands. I pushed my head a little forward to kiss him tenderly. He responded, giving me soft little kisses on my mouth, my cheeks, and my nose. When I slid my tongue out and licked his lips, I felt the grip of his hand above mine tighten. He pulled his mouth away from mine and tilted his head back, panting heavier. His eyes still wouldn't let go of mine.

I couldn't name it, but there was something in his face that suddenly made me feel sad. I could tell he was still holding back for some reason, still fighting it, as if he was afraid. It almost broke my heart to see it.

"Close your eyes, baby. It's ok..." I whispered.

He blinked a few times, then he squinted his eyes shut and bent his head forward.

I laid my cheek against his forehead. "Now just let go..."

I felt him loosen his grip on my hand, finally giving up control. He sobbed and buried his face in my shoulder. A second later he began to shudder, and with a long, suppressed groan, he spilled himself beside me.

I brought my hand up to his face and softly stroked his hair, now damp with sweat. And I murmured sweet little nothings to him, while his breath slowed down.

I knew he would be unconscious in a minute, and this was not the time to demand to know what his problem was. I didn't even consider taking care of the wet spot on the sheet, since it would mean to make Kiddo get up, and that wasn't an option any more.

I slowly pulled my arm from beneath his head, kissed his forehead and whispered, "Don't go anywhere, ok?"

Getting up on my knees, I bent over him and reached down to pick the towel off the floor. I moved back to his now limp body and gingerly wiped his belly dry. Then I reached behind me, grabbed the blanket und covered us both with it. When I slid my hand back underneath his neck to hold him close to me, he slung his arm around my waist and snuggled into me.

I cried a little, as I held him. I didn't feel bad to cry, so I didn't bother to wonder why.

"Sweet dreams, love," I mumbled into his hair, knowing he was already far away.

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