Your True Colors

23. How to be a (serenading Si-Hing's) girlfriend, week 1, Pt.2

2011-06-22T02:28:00.000-07:00

It's a little bit funny,

this feeling inside...

"Your Song"

(Elton John)

THURSDAY (still...)

He was waiting for me on the platform, like always. I'd already got so damn used to being welcomed by him every day... as soon as my station was about to come in sight, I would press my cheek against the train window, trying to spot him on the platform. It wasn't much of a feat really; I just had to look out for those pink and yellow dots of his backpack.

Also, I had made it a habit to find a seat in the same compartment every day, so we wouldn't waste any time finding each other. I wanted to tell myself it was not out of sentiment that this compartment happened to be the one with the number three on it... the one where it all began. But who was I kidding? Anyway, it worked just fine. As the train stopped, I was the first at the exit, with my hand hovering above the door opener. And right there he stood, and we smiled at each other through the glass while I waited for the hiss of the hydraulic system to announce the doors' unlocking.

My feet had barely touched the ground when he crushed into me and his solid arms closed around me. He didn't say a thing, he just held me tightly. With my own arms around his waist, I hugged him back for all what's worth. For now this was our way to exchange 'thank you's' and 'you're welcome's' for what had happened earlier this day.

We would talk about it later.

My chin rested on his shoulder, and when I opened my eyes I caught the sight of three teenage girls who were shamelessly ogling Edward, as if I didn't exist. And to them, I probably didn't. We were just two people hugging at a train station; we could be relatives, for that matter. One of the teens, a chubby Miley Cyrus wannabe, caught my glance and smiled at me. We probably looked like brother and sister to them. Or worse: maybe like -

Fuck!

Not taking my eyes off of the group, I placed a kiss behind Kiddo's ear and then sucked his lobe into my mouth. Chubby Miley's eyes widened as she elbowed her friends.

I had their attention now. Good.

Watch and whine, bitches…

I shoved one hand into his hair and slid the other one down his spine until it rested on his hip, my thumb hooked under the hem of his back pocket.

…because I'm so not…

Kiddo turned his head towards me and smiled, obviously as puzzled by my sudden PDA as he was delighted. I threw those girls one last glance.

…his fucking Mom!

Then I crashed my mouth on his, immediately teasing him with my tongue. He didn't hesitate to part his lips and deepen the kiss. I peeked at our audience from under my lashes; all three were gawking. They definitely got the message.

Yessss!

With that, my own eyes fell shut while the world's teenage girl population fell into oblivion. After all, I was kissing Kiddo...

Oh yessss!

FRIDAY

I woke up to the sound of Kiddo humming some sweet melody. Well, at least it felt like I was waking up. Of course, in the back of my obviously still sleeping mind I knew I had to be dreaming, because I heard a guitar too. But the voice was definitely Kiddo's. It reminded me of the day when he had walked me home for the first time, quietly humming all the way to my house.

What a strange thing... to dream that I am lying in bed, sleeping and dreaming. A dream within a dream. And a very pleasant one. Lulled by the warmth of my bed and the enchanting, wordless song I couldn't help but let go a contented sigh. The playing and humming stopped, and I could feel the mattress shake as my dream lover scooted over to me. I could even smell him. And damn, did it feel real when he pressed his lips against my spine. I couldn't decide whether I wished for him to continue kissing my back, or for the sweet music to return.

And then a beautiful velvet voice next to my ear said: "Wake up, sleepy head..."

No, no, no! Not yet!

The beautiful velvet voice snickered as my dream-self tried to snuggle down deeper into the pillows. And then the kissing started all over again, warm breath tickling the skin between my shoulder blades.

Ok... I guess, that means no more singing.

On the other hand, if this was a dream then what's the problem with kissing and singing at the same time? "Can I have the music back, please?" I managed to mumble, "I like the melody..."

"There are words to it, too. I'll sing it for you if you open your eyes for me."

"Mmmmh, don't wanna. Keep on kissin' then; 'tis fine..."

"Yes ma'am," beautiful voice chuckled, "but you know if we go on like this, I will probably poke a hole into your guitar when I put it on my lap."

I own a guitar?

A warm body was sliding up my back, soft lips licking the sensitive spot behind my ear.

And what... poke a hole into... how?

I felt something hard pressing between my butt cheeks, and within seconds I was up for some poking indeed, sleeping or not. I jerked my hips to rub against Kiddo's obvious arousal and moaned a quiet yes.

Screw singing!

"Fuck, Annie, you're killing me here!" he gasped into my ear, "We can't... you need to get up; Alice will be here in a minute, and-"

"We'll have to be quick then, right?"

"Oh God..." Kiddo groaned.

I kept my eyes closed, but I was positively awake now. The moment I felt the tip of his erection at my entrance, the dream haze was lifted off of me like a veil, leaving me raw and needy. "Come on, I want you."

Next to my ear, Kiddo was panting. "You're not ready, Annie. I need to-"

"No, you don't," I cut him short. "Just fuck me. Now. And cum for me, ok?"

I licked my fingers and reached down under me to coat myself. He didn't waste any more time and entered me, slowly but forcefully pressing past my resisting flesh before he slid in all the way. He stilled above me, giving us both time to adjust to the sensation. I couldn't help but moan loudly. The feeling of him filling me like that was incredible.

Sometimes, foreplay was highly overrated.

"Jesus, Annie, you're tight. I don't know if... god, this is not going to be gentle."

"I'm not asking for gentle, baby."

"Fuck..." he almost growled. One of his hands slid down my thigh to the hollow of my knee. "Draw your leg up under yourself, please... yes, like that."

I obeyed all too willingly, enjoying the way the new angle made my belly tingle. And then he started to move, and I opened my eyes. First thing I saw was a weird bundle of wire right in front my face, which I found pretty surreal, and I almost laughed. But then there was Kiddo's hand in the nape of my neck... pressing down roughly... to the point where I was almost immobilized, and I could only gasp. His other hand gripped my hip to hold me in place while he thrust into me hard. It was feral, it was quick, and it was divine. I was close in a heartbeat.

The way he took me and bent me to his liking without asking – that very moment, everything about him screamed 'Mine!'. Yet ironically, right before I felt him pulsate inside of me, he moaned, "I'm yours, Annie, yours forever!" He almost cried out the last word.

"That you are..." I sighed into the blissful rapture of my own release, reveling in the heated throbbing from where our bodies were joined.

When he collapsed on top of me with his full weight, shaking and panting, I was provided with a completely unnecessary last proof that this wasn't a dream any more - a nasty cramp in my left leg which was still bended underneath me.

"Shit! Off... get off of me! Holy shit...!" I screamed.

Kiddo was on his feet in a split second, an alarmed look on his face. "What is it?"

"It's my leg; a cramp... hell, what is that piece of scrap metal in my bed?" My eyes had fallen onto the mysterious wire ball again. I pointed an accusing finger at it while I was frantically rubbing my tortured calf with my other hand.

"Those are the old strings of your guitar," Kiddo chuckled. "Come here, let me help you." He kneeled down next to me on the mattress and started massaging my leg. The pain subsided quickly under his magic touch. "Better?"

"Yes, thank you. What do you mean, my guitar?"

"A wooden box, hour glass shape, long neck, covered in dust... ring any bells? Found it on top of the bedroom closet a couple of days ago."

"Uh-huh..."

Dumbfounded, I watched my boyfriend step into his boxers. And though he lacked a bit of his usual grace right now, hopping on one leg while trying to get the other one through the corresponding hole in the fabric, he was sporting a pretty self-complacent grin. I followed the nod of his head with my eyes, and there, in the corner of my bedroom, leaning against the wall with its back to me as if pretending to not know me, it was. Apparently, I owned a guitar.

Jesus, how long has it been since...?

Kiddo, who eventually had come to terms with his undies, grabbed it by the neck and turned it around. "There was a real beauty hiding under the dust. See?"

"Looks as good as new. What did you do?"

"Just cleaned her up and restringed her. No biggie!"

"Her?"

"Yeah, she's definitely a lady. Listen!" In one swift move, Kiddo swung my revived instrument around, tucked it under his arm and strummed a few chords. That was when it dawned on me...

Oh my God! "You were playing and singing earlier; it wasn't a dream!"

He blushed. "Uhm... yes. No dream. I wrote a song for you, and I wanted you to-"

"You did what?" I gasped, and Kiddo looked down on his hands, his blush turning a deeper shade of red. Could he be any more adorable?

He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by my door bell and a factitiously high-pitched voice calling, "Hey there, lovebirds, time to untangle your sweaty limbs and face the day! We need to get going soo-hoon..."

"Alice!" we moaned in unison. I checked the alarm clock; it was eight sharp. Why did that pain-in-the-ass Nelly always have to be dead on time? Kiddo was already pulling up his jeans.

"Go, hop into the shower, I'll answer the door," he sighed.

I shook my head. "Don't bother, I bet she-"

"Annie, cover your honey pot, ok? Letting myself in in THREE..."

"Jesus!" With an exasperated groan, Kiddo snatched my bathrobe and sent it flying over to me.

"... TWO..."

"Yep," I confirmed, "she's got a spare key, and she's not afraid to use it."

"... ONE..."

I quickly whipped on the robe; I could already hear the keys tinkle. But I knew how to buy us another few seconds. "Alice, if you come in now, you will see my honey pot, willing or not. Just a warning!"

"Eeeek! ZERO POINT FIVE..."

I closed the distance between me and my boyfriend in two strides. "Kiss me, before -"

"Hell, yes..." His mouth crashed on mine. Outside my apartment, Alice started to perform a pretty skillful beatbox mouth percussion. Kiddo's laughter ended our kiss much too soon for my liking. "Tell me again why we agreed to let her come with us?"

"I can't remember," I huffed, "but I'm starting to regret it."

The beatboxing stopped and giving a perfect Lauryn Hill imitation, Alice turned the key. "...ready or not, here I come..."

I hurried to meet her in the living room and made it just in time. With my hands against her chest, I frog-walked her back from the bedroom door while she was laughing and craning her neck.

"Whoa, Annie, come on... is Edward still in his undies? Eddie! Eddie? Alice is here!" I punched her in the stomach, and she laughed even harder. "What? Don't be selfish, just one little glimpse, ok? What were you two just doing in there, huh?"

"Nothing! It's none of your business anyway, but if you wanna know: Edward wrote me a song!"

That shut her up for exactly two seconds. Then a wicked grin spread over her face.

"Yeah, I can smell his song all over you, darling. Let me guess the key... it's in G, right? G-spot major?" Laughing, she ducked away under my hand as I lashed out at her. "Girl, you and your shockingly attractive boyfriend better get ready. T minus 20 until we have to leave. I'm ready to face a bunch of sweaty jocks..."

A quick shower, an even quicker cereal breakfast and a few more teasing remarks by Alice later, the three of us were on the train, heading to Kiddo's usual Friday hangout, the mysterious Wing Chun Kuen School of Martial Arts. Yes, my boyfriend kept surprising me; who knew he was a teacher? A fucking Kung Fu instructor, to be precise. I know, right?

Ok, here's the story. It all started with six weeks of anger management training, ordered by the court as part of his probation. The judge considered the combination of a hard, physical workout and the strictly traditional master-student structures in an old fashioned Chinese school an appropriate means to channel the young delinquent's temper. Six weeks turned into six months, and Kiddo did extraordinary well. He passed a couple of tests in quick succession, and soon was entrusted with supervising the lower grade students.

Never did he revolt against the strict code of conduct. Quite the contrary, it accommodated his then aversion for wordy conversations and talking in general. The only things students were supposed to say to their instructors were yes and no and thanks, accompanied by brief bows. In terms of social interaction, this was safe territory for Edward who – of course – was completely oblivious to all the subtle or not so subtle attempts of flirting among his female fosterlings.

The school owner however wasn't. Having Kiddo turned out to be a total fluke for his formerly slow business. The ratio of male and female students slowly but noticeably shifted until the guys were the minority. More and more women felt the sudden need to gain some skills in self-defense. They brought their friends and their high school daughters who then brought their own friends, and the formerly exotic and suspicious backyard Kung Fu school became the hippest place in the neighborhood. And a little more than three months ago, two new classes for combative housewives had to be established on Fridays in order to satisfy the demand, with Kiddo in charge.

That's it. He started to ride my train on Friday mornings. We met (or something like it). And the rest is history.

Except for the fact that I yet had to watch him doing his thing there. So I had taken the day off to make good for it. I mean, I once watched him do his thing with my poor neighbor Tom. But that didn't really count, because it was quite disturbing. Though not half as disturbing as the visual of him spending every given Friday getting touchy-feely with scantily clad and probably drooling middle-aged women.

God, I need to think of something else...

"Let me get this straight once again, I'm just coming to watch, ok? I will not participate."

Kiddo smiled and squeezed my hand. "I know. It's ok."

"But maybe I will?" Alice was literally bouncing with excitement. "I brought my training gear, just in case. Hey, Eddie, those Wing Chun master guys need to touch their students a lot, right? Like feeling them up, I mean, full contact and shit?"

Ungh... thanks, Alice!

"Yes, we do," Kiddo laughed, "but all the guys are wearing jock straps, so calm down."

"Uhm... that's kinda hot. And shorts?"

"No shorts, sorry. Black sweat pants. And tees, too. It's not like in a Kung Fu movie."

Alice pouted. "That's too bad. I watched one the other day, and the hero just wore a diaper of sorts and those leather strings around both his biceps. Through the entire movie! And his bare chest was glistening… ouch!" I slapped her arm to bring her out of her wet dream.

Kiddo shook his head. "It's not like that, Alice. Please behave yourself, ok? Maybe you better just watch too, for a start." He looked slightly worried now as our station came in sight.

When we grabbed our stuff and stood to get off the train, Alice gave him a quick hug and ruffled his hair.

"Nah... don't worry, Beautiful. I'd never embarrass you in front of your see-thru... guru... whatever..."

"Sifu!" Kiddo corrected nervously, "The master is called Sifu."

"Yeah, see-foo... that's what I meant. Don't pee your pants, Bruce Lee; I'll be a good girl, I promise!"

I threw Alice a warning look behind Kiddo's back. She stuck her tongue out at me and jumped onto the platform, pointedly wiggling her ass in front of me. "And you are the Sihing, right?" she rattled on, unfazed, linking arms with Edward. "That means, 'elder brother', right? Yes, your favorite Queenie has been Googling... is that Cantonese? Mandarin? Grapefruit? Haha, just kidding... it's so romantic! How do you say 'elder Sister'? Oh, and are there younger brothers too?"

I rolled my eyes. Great, this is going to be real fun!

I really don't know how I survived the three hours that followed. The place smelled of sweat and excessively perfumed antiperspirants; a suffocating mix. In the locker room, deodorant roll-ons stood in rank and file alongside pastel-colored gym bags, like dildos on display in a sex store. Smack my ass and call me Alice, if all that estrogen had gathered here solely for the benefits of self-defense skills!

Kiddo introduced us to Harry, the honorable Sifu and owner-slash-founder of the school. Much to Alice's disappointed, he was lacking as much Asian features as he was untouched by any Far Eastern charm. Disturbingly, the term 'buttcrack santa' was the first thing that came to my mind. Smaller than me by a head, with thinning hair and a considerable potbelly, he definitely was not the reason for half the female population to pilgrimage to his temple of wisdom and physical flexibility.

Yet he seemed totally convinced, that it was the special qualities of Wing Chun Kung Fu itself that held such a strong appeal for women.

According to Harry, it was a martial art designed to deal especially with physically superior opponents. Admittedly, the idea of turning one's own weakness into a weapon by 'borrowing' the attacker's strength and momentum sounded quite intriguing. I endured his lectures while Kiddo was changing and getting ready for his first class. However, when he finally returned, I had enough of Harry's 'be-soft-like-the-branch-of-a-willow-tree' talk. Damn, that dude fucking sounded like a fortune cookie on acid...

The good thing was that Alice, unstoppable in her enthusiasm, left with Harry to join one of the more advanced groups. She was eager to mingle with the 'well-toned hotties', as she called them, rather than watching the desperate housewives parade. So at least I didn't have to deal with her cheeky comments when I finally found myself sitting on one of the wooden benches in the back of the small training room, grimly eyeing up every single woman who entered.

In the end, there was a group of twenty female students, ages between 15 and 50 years, lining themselves up in silence and patiently waiting for the lesson to begin. There was no chatting or whispering nor any other noises you could usually hear from such a group of girls and women. With their backs to me, they all showed the same posture: upright, eyes straight ahead, arms held loosely at their sides. Kiddo had explained to me earlier that putting your hands on your hips or crossing your arms in front of yourself was considered disrespectful towards your master or elder Kung Fu brother. Both were such natural gestures to me that I wondered if I would even make it through a single lesson without accidentally insulting the teacher.

Kiddo stepped in front of the group, inclined his head ever so gracefully, and with a sweet smile said, "Good morning, Ladies."

The whole group bowed down like one and replied in unison, "Good morning, Sihing!"

"Siu Nim Tao," Kiddo announced, "Take your stance, please." By just lifting his heels the tiniest bit, he moved his feet into that weird inward position I had seen the very day when he had taught my unsuspecting neighbor a lesson of its own. The students did the same. And then a strange ballet of sorts began, a slow series of arm movements and turns of the upper body. Not really pretty to watch... some of the movements even looked kind of awkward. But it was so obvious that every single push and turn was purposeful and loaded with energy, that I was all but impressed.

After a while the sequence ended, everyone relaxed and returned to the posture of the beginning. Both Kiddo and the students took another small bow, and then he said, "Repeat." And it started all over again. Only this time, Kiddo was walking through the lines, stopping here and there to quietly utter critique or encouragement, receiving a respectful "Yes, Sihing" or "Thank you, Sihing". I liked that. But then the touching began...

The concept of jealousy still was an enigma to me, and I hated this new emotion and what it did to me. No one said, being the girlfriend of RPattz 2.0 would be easy, but I just couldn't help myself.

I felt a sharp pang when he gently took one woman's wrists to lift her arms a little, because apparently her dang 'Fook Sao' wasn't straight. What the hell? I cringed when he stepped close in front of another lady and let her perform a series of pushes and punches against his chest and then complimented her on her perfect "Gum Sao'. Was that really necessary? And I could have sworn that blonde teenage girl ground her ass against him when he corrected the position of her shoulders from behind.

The only thing that kept me from applying my personal 'Fuck Sao From Hell' to that bitch and the others was the fact that they all stood with their backs to me (pretty sure one look of their lash-batting cow-eyes, and I would have lost my shit), and that Kiddo again and again looked up and smiled at me lovingly, assuring me I was the one and only person in the room that really mattered.

Besides, he was doing an awesome job, and I could tell he was loved and respected around here for much more than just his good looks. And I really liked that. A lot!

I was so proud of him. And I was proud of being his girlfriend, too.

SATURDAY

"You should demand a higher salary, that's all I'm saying," I repeated sternly. "Sorry, but your Sifu is a jerk. All that talk about the magic of Wing Chun and shit... he knows just too well that if you leave, his magic school will be royally fucked. All those women don't come for Mr. Myagi, they come for Karate Kid, ok? I saw it with my own eyes."

Kiddo didn't say anything, just kept on stirring his coffee as if he didn't hear me. We'd had this discussion already yesterday, on our way home. We'd had it at night, on my bed. And we were still having it now, at the breakfast table. Buttcrack Harry, who was conspicuously shitting his sweat pants at the prospect of possibly losing his cash cow by the end of the year, had offered him a permanent job, at a ridiculous pay. As far as I was concerned, I thought Kiddo should be offered a damn partnership with his name in bright letters on the facade. But yeah, that was probably asking too much. Anyway...I wasn't giving in, and right now I could tell Kiddo was on the brink of capitulation.

"You know I'm right. You are like Harry's fucking Kung Fu rock star. Tell him to raise your salary, or else you will quit."

"Annie," Kiddo sighed dramatically, "I don't want to quit. I like working there."

"I'm not telling you to quit, I'm telling you to tell Harry that you'll quit. Just pretend, it's called negotiation. I just don't want anyone to take advantage of you. You're worth a lot more than he's willing to pay you. It'll work – you pull the quitting card, he will offer you more money to make you stay. Easypeasy!"

Kiddo smiled and shook his head, defeated. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, I will do it. But I have one condition."

Uh-oh!

Kiddo finally stopped atomizing the sugar in his coffee, put down the spoon and raised his head. We stared at each other across the table for a few seconds, until I threw my hands up in the air.

"Ok, what's the condition?"

As if he had all the time in the world, Kiddo didn't answer at once but raised his coffee and took a long swig, looking at me over the rim of the mug. Then he slowly put it down again, and exhaled at length. He knew damn well he was driving me nuts.

"Come on, Edward, spill it already. What condition?"

One corner of his mouth began to twitch.

Oh no, not the crooked smile... unfair!

"The song I wrote for you, it's finished."

I clutched my own chest. "Oh my God, really? Can I hear it?"

"Well, it turned out a duet, actually."

"And?"

"I want you to sing it with me."

I dissolved into spontaneous giggles. "You are kidding me, right?"

"In public."

"IN WHAT?"

No more giggles. At all!

SUNDAY

Kiddo didn't call Harry.
I didn't agree to sing.
He wouldn't even let me read the lyrics.
I refused to kiss him on the mouth.
He didn't reveal what the hell he meant by 'in public'.
I pouted.
He laughed at me.
I faked total interest in a cartoon show on the kid's channel while he sat next to me, absentmindedly picking at the guitar strings.
He put the folded paper with the song lyrics into his back pocket where I could see it stick out, just to tease me. When I tried to snatch it, we ended up wrestling on my couch where he tickled the shit out of me.
I got out my Twilight DVD and watched it two and a half times in a row in three different languages, until he started to lick and nibble at my neck from behind.
"Will you sing with me?" he whispered against my skin, seductively
"Will you talk to Harry?" I whispered back, trying to appear unaffected by his caresses.
And then it all started all over again, one way or another.

Kiddo called it a truce. I called it a violation of my human rights. I was a grown woman, for crying out loud! Did I really have to put up with this nonsense?

We were at Hour Thirty-One, and neither of us was ready to surrender. At five p.m. Beatrice called, and in my outrage I immediately told her the whole story, never taking my eyes off of Kiddo who slouched on the carpet, lazily plucking the guitar again.

"That's really interesting, hun. But I don't get it, what's the big fuzz? You have sung before. You've even been in a band, isn't that right?"

"But that was twenty years ago!"

"Yeah, whatever. Still no biggie, if you ask me. Hells, the boy wrote you a song! You should get a hold of yourself and just do it. I would sing like a nightingale if someone wrote me a song. Anyway, listen... the reason why I called..."

"Oh great! Thanks for your sympathy!" I spat.

Kiddo chuckled, and I stuck my tongue out at him. Very adult, Portman!

"... is, I have a date! A date, Annie!"

"You do?"

"Yes, he called me! I didn't even need to use the number you gave me. He called ME!"

"Who?"

"Lawrence... Law... hot dude, related to Edward, kisses hands - remember? He called me!"

"Oh!" I looked up at Kiddo, and he raised a brow. I covered my cell phone with one hand and stage-whispered, "Apparently, Law has asked my boss on a date."

"Cool!" was all he said.

"You still there? Annie?"

"Sure. I'm so happy for you. Where will you two be going?"

"Well, that's why I'm calling. Is it ok if I bring him to your party?"

I almost screamed. "My...? What do you mean, my party? What Party?"

This conversation was taking an alarming turn. Had everyone gone apeshit all of a sudden? I started to feel like I was in the Twilight Zone, and not the one with the pretty vampires, when I heard a small smacking sound from across the room. My eyes darted to Kiddo who palmed his face, looking at me warily through his fingers. Oh. My. God!

"Beatrice, I'll call you back."

"Uh-oh... oops! Okay."

The line went dead. And so did the last bits of my usual sense of humor.

Someone had some explaining to do...

22. How to be a girlfriend, week 1

2011-06-22T02:25:00.000-07:00

When I saw you standing there

I said to myself
M-m-m here's a place
I could break down and care
I'll give him my sweet love
Taste his sweet love
Real sweet love
Woman to man

"Man To Man" (Joni Mitchell)

SUNDAY

Was there any better way to wake up on a Sunday morning than this? It would have been perfect, if he only wouldn't...

Jesus Christ!

"...yes, right there... I... oh... God... fuck, no!"

I didn't actually intend to verbalize my slowly increasing frustration but just couldn't help it. Immediately, Kiddo's head jerked up from between my legs.

He looked at me quizzically, "No?"

The sight of him, all tousled hair and hooded eyes and swollen pouty lips, made me giggle.

"What?" he demanded.

One corner of his mouth twitched, as if fighting the urge to curl up to my favorite lop-sided Edward-smile. I loved his new, relaxed confidence... I mean, how many men do you know who would smirk at a 'no' and a 'teehee' emerging from the woman they are just going down on?

I know right?

I giggled even more. "You're looking cute down there."

"Cute?" He rolled his eyes, "Annie, I'm trying to -" He rested his head on my thigh, his breathing still a little labored. "I'm glad I amuse you, but I wasn't exactly planning on making you giggle, to be honest."

My hand was in his hair before I knew it, curling into the silky strands. "I know, baby. Sorry."

He leaned into my touch and closed his eyes. The smile still lingered as he let go a quiet moan, like a purr. He wasn't upset at all, but he wasn't willing to take this setback either. His hands moved down from my hips and under my thighs, lifting them up. I bent my knees willingly and suppressed another giggle.

"Cute, huh?" he mumbled, and then I felt his hot breath on my center, a second before he licked from my entrance up to my clit, and I moaned loudly. Immediately, my breath quickened again.

"God, Annie, you taste so good... I'm not done with you yet. Please tell me... what did I do wrong?" His groaned question sounded muffled due to the pleasant fact that he was nuzzling his nose between my wet lips.

"You did nothing really wrong, it's just, you know... you kind of missed the, um... target, repeatedly, so I couldn't..."

"No way..." he muttered, still muffled.

"Yes way! You were – oohhh..." The point I was going to make was ripped from my conscience, as his tongue once again lapped at my most sensitive spot.

"I missed this?" he whispered against said target, making me shiver. "I'm sorry. Let me try again."

Yeah, why not? Ung...

And boy, did he try. My hips bucked under his ministrations, and he groaned against my aching center – the deep vibration adding to the pleasure. Quickly I felt myself spiraling upwards one more time to my release, only to fall down again when I suddenly felt the loss of friction where I craved it the most. I whimpered in frustration.

Fuck! What's your damn problem, for crying out loud?

"Edward... please, I need..." Without an exact idea what I was going to do, I reached down and pressed my fingers on my mound. I pulled a little upwards, stretching the soft flesh, which noticeably heightened the sensitivity of the whole area and made my clit stick out. Immediately, Kiddo closed his lips around it and sucked.

"God... yes!" I cried out, relief and pleasure washed through me.

He released me for a moment, looking up at me. "Annie, you're so goddamn beautiful," he panted, "cum for me... I want to make you cum like this." He dove back down and swirled his tongue around my throbbing bud. "Please show me how..."

I arched my back and moaned, "Shit... yes, love." With my index and middle finger forming a V, I shoved my hand down a little further to spread my lips, until my clit rested in the small hollow between my fingers. That was all he needed for an invitation...

In no time he was working me towards an epic orgasm. My legs started to quiver uncontrollably, as he licked and sucked and moaned between my thighs, and all coherent thinking left me.

… don't stop … don't stop … don't stop … don't stop ...

"Mmmmhhhh...," he groaned, which I assumed meant something like 'Now!', because next thing I felt were his fingers inside of me, and that was it. I came hard, every nerve ending in my body on fire, and I swear I saw the white light. And a bit of fireworks, too. Maybe this synesthesia thing was contagious, after all...

I was still riding out my orgasm when both his hands landed on the mattress next to either side of my head. Our bodies bounced a little and then his mouth crashed on mine; taking away what little breath I just had caught again. My legs were still bent and now trapped under his arms, my thighs pressed against my shoulders. The tip of his hard, velvety cock skimmed my entrance. He didn't need to use his hands; I'm not even sure he intended to enter me, but he slipped in effortlessly, just like that.

Fuuuuuuuck...!

"God, no more... Edward, I can't…," I cried, and yet my fingers dug into his back, belying my objection.

He tipped his head back and stilled on top of me, panting. At first I thought he hadn't heard me because he didn't seem to see me either. His eyes were glazed over, wandering restlessly, taking advantage of the white screens of my bedroom. I could tell he was totally lost in his very own enchanting universe of color and light. It only lasted for a few heartbeats, then he forced his glance down. I watched his pupils contract as he locked eyes with me.

"Yes, you can," he breathed.

Briefly shifting his weight onto one arm, he put his free hand under my knee and lifted it to release my left boob which I hadn't even noticed was awkwardly trapped underneath my thigh. I mouthed a thanks, and he chuckled and let himself fall forward on both arms again.

He began moving in me... slowly, very slowly. With each meaningful thrust, he arched his back forcefully like a big cat. He held his breath and his whole body trembled when he pushed forward, inch for inch, with intent. And he released a shattered breath each time he pulled back in the same slow way. I watched his muscles tense and relax above me, totally enraptured. I couldn't get over how gorgeous he was.

Shit... yes, maybe I can...

With a quiet whimper, I grabbed his ass to urge him on. But he shook his head ever so slightly and maintained his steady rhythm, not taking his eyes off of mine.

"I don't want to come yet," he rasped between his ragged breathing, "I just... please, I don't want this to end. But if you want me to... are you close?"

I wasn't close, but I didn't care, because my heart swelled with love for him. To prevent it from bursting, I whispered, "I love you."

Kiddo gasped, and although he continued moving torturously slow, his breath sped up considerately. "Say it again," he panted, a glorious smile looming on his parted lips.

"I love you, Edward."

He moaned loudly and knitted his brows. "Fuck, Annie, I can't... I can't help it...," he choked out. His beautiful face crumpled, registering a pleasure that bordered on pain, and then he stopped moving and breathing altogether. Time seemed to stand still for a moment as he looked down at me wide-eyed, as if in complete wonder.

As I felt him pulse within me, I deliberately constricted my muscles and clenched around him as best as I could. Kiddo squeezed his eyes shut and collapsed on top of me. With a low groan against my neck, he climaxed inside of me while I stroked his hair, whispering to him how good he felt and how much I adored him.

Still panting heavily, he lifted himself on his elbows and, one after the other, released my somewhat tortured legs – only to let himself drop down on me again as soon as I had stretched myself out with a sigh of relief.

I chortled quietly. "Are you alright? Or should I call 9-1-1?"

Without moving otherwise, Kiddo held one finger up to indicate that he needed a minute or two but was basically fine. After a few moments he mumbled, "My arms are jello. Legs too. And most of all..." he chuckled into the crook of my neck, "my dick... definitely jello. I think even my brain has turned into jello. It's very happy jello though..."

His breath tickled my skin as he laughed again, and I joined in spontaneously; euphoric Kiddo was simply irresistible. With a girlish giggle, I kissed his temple - the only spot I could reach with my mouth.

"I'm glad you're happy jello."

He hugged me tightly.

"Yes... me too, Annie."

Fifteen Minutes later, I could hear the water running in the bathroom and smiled as I briefly considered joining Kiddo in the shower. But I was just too relaxed, too content and... yes, too happy to even move. With a sigh, I leaned back into my pillow, surprised by how natural and right it felt to have him around in my personal space as if nothing had happened.

We hadn't talked too much last night. But I guess both of us had said what needed to be said.

For now.

Fact was, I just felt better with him around. Even after the 'Black' incident, when I so desperately had wanted him to go away... I somehow had felt better before he had left my apartment. Besides, it wasn't a Ming vase, and I had still three kitchen chairs left.

Schizo, much?

When I couldn't find him and freaked out because I thought he might have done something to himself... it wasn't so much about feeling guilty, admittedly. Hell, I wasn't a character out of a Stephenie Meyer book! It was the idea that I could have lost him, that I might never see him again. Just that. So what did we learn from this lesson? Annie Portman was a selfish bitch!

Not proud of it, ok? Sue me...

MONDAY

"Ok, when are you going to tell me about him?"

I choked on my coffee and almost spit it all over my chief editor's designer dress. "What...?"

Beatrice narrowed her eyes at me. "Look at you! As if I needed any more confirmation... come on, who is he?"

"Am I that transparent?" I took another sip in a fruitless attempt to appear somewhat aloof.

She wasn't buying it.

"Hello? You've been walking around with your head in the clouds for days. I know that look. Found someone to get yummy Edward-on-the-train off your mind finally, huh?"

This time I spit out my coffee for real. Fortunately, Beatrice was quite nimble on her feet and brought herself out of the danger zone with a quick jump. I wasn't that lucky; I had successfully ruined my white tee before my working day had even begun.

Great!

My nosy boss ripped some paper towels from the dispenser and handed them to me, wide-eyed. I took them and futilely wiped my shirt, avoiding her gaze.

"Annie?"

I looked up to see her shake her head, her face registering a wild mixture of emotions: disbelief, amazement, excitement... yes, most of all excitement.

Busted!

"Oh. My. God! Really, Annie? It's him?"

I disposed of the useless paper towels and buried my face in my hands, unable to stifle the laugh that bubbled up from inside of me. Then I felt Beatrice's hands on my shoulder, shaking me.

"I don't believe it," she squealed, "you did it! How... what... oh my God, what happened? You need to tell me all about it! How old is he? Is he smart? How far did you... and how long? Holy shit!"

"Beatrice..." I took my hands of my face, still laughing.

"Shit, you are happy!" she blurted. I had never seen her grinning like that.

"I guess I am, yes."

She clapped her hands. "Go girl!"

"I need to change my shirt."

Ignoring my attempt to distract her, Beatrice took a step back and tilted her head. I felt uncomfortable under her survey. When she spoke again, there was an odd melody to it, like the first line of 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'.

"You are in love, honey."

Fuck, yes!

"Fuck, yes!" she repeated my thought and pulled me into a hug. "When can I meet him?"

Someone shoot me please!

TUESDAY

A quick glance at my watch confirmed me that Tom/a.k.a. James/a.k.a. my neighbor/former friend with benefits had been wordlessly staring into his coffee mug now for exactly two minutes and twenty-six seconds.

twenty-seven...

twenty-eight...

twenty-nine...

"So..." he finally said, "this is serious then? You and this k... guy? That's it for you, Annie?"

He still didn't look up. Well, I knew before that he wouldn't like what I had to tell him.

"It is, yes. I'm in love with him."

He screwed his mouth and snorted. "You want me to apologize or something? Not going to happen, just so you know."

"No apologies necessary, Tom. What has happened was as much my fault as it was yours, maybe even more my own fault. I just wanted to let you know where we stand."

"Where we stand?" He shook his head and chuckled mirthlessly. "Jesus, Annie." Then he fell silent again.

one mississippi...

two mississippi...

three mississippi...

His chair almost fell over when he suddenly stood up. He took one last sip of his coffee and set the mug down on the table with a loud clank. "Congratulations, girl. And good luck. See you around."

He still hadn't faced me one single time when the door slammed shut behind him.

Um... that went well, I think?

WEDNESDAY

I opened my eyes with a gasp and found myself sitting upright in bed within a second. It was still dark and I had no idea what had ripped me out of my well-earned slumber in the middle of the night. I held my breath and listened anxiously for noises or footsteps from a possible intruder, but everything was quiet except for Kiddo's rapid breathing. No burglars.

Wait – why is he breathing rapidly?

I braced myself on one elbow and bent over to look at his face; but my eyes hadn't adjusted to the darkness yet and I couldn't see whether his eyes were open or not.

I whispered, "Edward?"

Nothing.

He was sleeping. Maybe a bad dream? Should I wake him? A quiet moan, almost a whimper escaped him. I gently put my hand against his cheek and winced. Startled, I touched his forehead, chest and arms - he was wet all over with cold sweat. I switched on the bedside lamp.

"Edward!"

"Hmmm..."

"Wake up, baby, there's something wrong!"

Another moan, but his eyes remained shut. I started to feel somewhat hysterical and patted his cheek a little more forcefully.

"Edward, you're covered in sweat and kind of hyperventilating; you need to wake up! Now, Kiddo - come on!"

Finally, he opened his eyes, but I could see it was not without effort.

"Is it your blood sugar? How do you feel?"

"Dunno..." he mumbled, and his eyelids threatened to fall shut again.

I decided to not take any chances and jumped off the bed to find his backpack. Snatching it from the bathroom, I turned on my heels in one movement and I was beside him again in no time; rummaging the polka dot offence for his diabetes gear. Given that time was a crucial point, I figured I wouldn't benefit in another attempt to wake him up for this. So I just prepared his lancet and set it against the tip of his index finger. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed the button. It clicked loudly when it pierced his skin, and I'm sure it must have stung, but even then he didn't budge. It was only when I watched the crimson pearl of blood appear on his fingertip that I realized I should have set up the meter first.

Way to go, nurse Portman!

I held up his leaking finger in one hand, while my other hand fumbled awkwardly with the sensor stick and the measurement device for what seemed like forever until I had it ready. With a loud sigh, I tipped his finger against the sensor, and that darn thing began to count backwards. When it stopped after fifteen seconds, I stared at the number that popped up and my brain went blank for a moment.

25!

25?

What the fuck?

I remembered an episode of 'House' and that young guy he treated – that kid's whole body shook with cramps because his blood sugar had gone down to 35. Yet Kiddo lay perfectly still, except for his breath which became more frantic by the minute. Bloody TV producers...

I had some sort of déjà vu as I turned the backpack upside down and emptied it on the floor. My eyes darted around its spread out contents and I let go a string of expletives. No dextrose!

"You sloppy, stupid son of a bitch!"

I paced into the kitchen, cursing under my breath, and tore the fridge open. My eyes caught on the three vials of insulin we had carefully stored in there yesterday – unfortunately the exact opposite of what I needed now. I had a feeling that now was the perfect time to panic!

I barely took the time to whip on my bathrobe before I was out of my apartment and running down the stairs to bang on Alice's door. It took ages... ages! When the door finally opened, the sleepy face that showed up in the crack was less fancy Alice and more grumpy Eric than I'd ever seen before. Still half unconscious and in nothing but a pair of boxers with... wait, were there winged piglets on them?

"Annie, what the hell...?" More-Eric-than-Alice absentmindedly scratched his junk. I couldn't care less.

"I need something sweet; a chocolate bar, cake, fruit juice... now!"

"Are you pregnant?" There. Squealing Alice was back, wide-eyed.

"Dammit, no – it's Edward, his blood sugar..."

I couldn't even finish my sentence. The face disappeared, and a second later Alice high-speed pit-patted past me and upstairs, the blue silk of her open Kimono billowing out behind her like a sail. I followed her as fast as I could, and almost bumped into her back when she suddenly stopped in the frame of my kitchen door and let go a high-pitched squeak that would have suited one of the little animals on her undies.

She turned around and shoved the pack of orange juice she'd been carrying into my hands. "Jesus Christ," she muttered, her voice dropped down three octaves minimum, "are you guys trying to kill me?"

I peeked around her square shoulders and saw Kiddo leaning against the counter – one hundred percent fiber-free, in all his naked glory. The look on his face couldn't have been any more puzzled if Alice and I had been eight-legged alien intruders. His toned chest was glistening with sweat and gosh, he looked hot!

Alice grabbed my shoulders and took a deep breath through flared nostrils. "You... he..." she started, and then a brief shudder went through her. "I'm out of here. If I turn around I will probably do something I'll regret later. He looks pretty much alive to me, everything will be fine. You go and take care of him, and I'll go and... take care of something else... um, good luck. And you're welcome. And bye."

What the...?

I caught her by the tails of her geisha costume to keep her from leaving, as Kiddo murmured something that sounded like 'Bye, Alice'. His eyelids fluttered closed for a moment, and he held onto the edge of the countertop, staggering noticeably. An even stronger feeling of déjà vu washed through me now... Me in my bathrobe, Kiddo shaking, Kiddo passing out in my hallway.

Not this time!

I forced the juice pack back into Alice's hands. "You stay! There are clean glasses in the dishwasher. I'll get something to cover him. Get a grip, for crying out loud!"

"Gawwwwd...!" Alice ostentatiously covered her eyes with one hand before she turned around. I heard her mutter under her breath as I went for the bedroom, "Sure, Hooker, make me serve naked Edward a drink with a boner at 4 o'clock in the morning. It's just Alice – she can take a cold shower, right? Fuck..."

When I returned with a blanket, Alice had maneuvered my semi-conscious boyfriend to my new cherry-red canvas couch. She held a glass of orange juice out to him, and he was staring at it as if he had trouble figuring out what he was supposed to with it.

"You need to drink this, Beautiful." She helped him out, and finally he moved his arm and took the glass from her hand.

As soon as his fingers closed around it I realized this wasn't going to work. Kiddo's hands were shaking so violently that the drink Alice had generously poured him was slopping over, and he was barely able to lift it to his mouth. It was a miracle that he wasn't out cold yet.

Thankfully, Alice noticed his trouble too. She snatched the glass from his hand a second before it was about to slip from his weak grip. Then she slung her arm around his shoulders and held the glass against his lips. Kiddo closed both his hands around it and drank in greedy gulps.

Watching this, I briefly felt an irrational sting of jealousy. I knew Alice was just helping him, but I wanted to be the one doing this for him. This whole girlfriend thing was clouding my mind, apparently.

Don't be silly, Portman!

The glass was empty; Kiddo let go of it and his hands dropped onto his lap. Alice pulled him against her kimono clad chest and placed a kiss on top of his head. To my amazement, Kiddo closed his eyes and leaned into her touch with a sigh.

Ok – that does it!

With one swift move I threw the blanket over my naked lover and pulled him towards me and out of Alice's embrace, making her jump. "Refill," I spat at her, "he needs more!"

"Whoa... mellow greetings, what seems to be your boggle?" she huffed, quoting 'Demolition Man'. But before I could go all Wesley Snipes on her, Kiddo said something. It sounded like 'covered'?.

"What did you say, love? Are you better?"

"Cupboard," he repeated, "There's dextro in the cupboard, next to the sugar."

"Oh great," Alice rolled her eyes and set the empty glass down on the table. "I'm out of here. Jeez - for all that's holy and the tits of Judy Garland, it's 4:25 am! If you guys need anything else... more juice, a shoulder to cry on, foot massage, pole dance, a gay friend to bitch at for no reason... I'm downstairs, rubbing one off, ok? Then I'll try to get another two or three hours of sleep if you don't mind. 'Night."

And with that, she turned around, pushed her chin up dramatically, and stomped away. I wanted to call after her, but the door slammed shut before I had the chance.

"She's mad," Kiddo stated, slightly confused, "What did I do? And why was she here anyway?"

I sighed. "She'll get over it, everything's fine. Do you feel better?"

"Yes, thank you. Sorry for the... I found my gear on the nightstand. Did you check my blood sugar?"

"Yes, I did."

"How was it?"

"Low."

"I would have just slept through it, you know."

I snorted. "I seriously doubt that. You were shaking."

He looked at me silently with green eyes under heavy lids. He still seemed a bit dizzy, but his hand didn't tremble any more as he raised it to run his index finger along my collarbone towards my shoulder. There his hand slipped under the fabric of my robe, pushing it slowly aside and down my upper arm, until my left breast was uncovered. My nipple, suddenly exposed to the cool air, hardened immediately.

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

Instead of an answer, Kiddo leaned over and closed his lips around my taut peak. I gasped with surprise and pleasure, and my hands found their way into his hair all by themselves. Not breaking contact where his mouth had settled on my skin, he shifted his weight and drew one knee up and under himself. He wrapped his arms around my upper body, underneath the now widely gaping bathrobe and started half-crawling over me, losing the blanket in the process. I helplessly reclined on the armrest, and Kiddo hummed in contentment.

"What are you doing, baby?" I repeated, a little breathless now.

"Christening the couch."

Oh?

His lips had interrupted their delicious work just long enough for him to answer, before they kissed a path right below my collarbones over to the left, where he nuzzled the terrycloth aside to pay my other nipple equal attention.

Oh...

"Edward, you just... do you think that's a good idea?" My question came out like a moan, betraying me. I instantly felt a moist heat building in my pussy which definitely considered his idea a very good one.

"U-huh," he confirmed between open-mouthed kisses on my neck, "I'm going to make love to you, Annie..." kiss "...right now..." kiss "...here..." kiss "...couch..."

Well... ok then... whoa!

Kiddo gently, but purposefully, nudged my thighs apart with his knee and settled himself between them. With one hand under my back he pulled me closer and ground himself against my hot center. It felt good, but different. It felt unexpectedly... supple. I reached down between us and palmed his soft and unusually uncooperative manlihood.

"Baby," I whispered, "are you sure?"

"Just give me a minute," he murmured, nibbling gently at my earlobe. We kept on making out for a few more minutes, kissing, stroking, grinding, moaning and whispering words of endearment and adoration to each other, until he suddenly stopped and rested his forehead against mine. His eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily through his nose.

"Dammit, I want you so badly," he groaned.

I kissed him and pulled his head down to my shoulder. His whole body relaxed as he nestled his face into the crook of my neck and sighed.

"I know, love," I said, "but part of you doesn't. For good reason. Your blood sugar went through the floor, you are exhausted, you had an attack of sweating and now you're cooling off. Look at you, goosebumps everywhere."

"I'm sorry I wrecked your night."

"I'm not. I would like no one better than you to have my nights wrecked."

He snorted and shook his head. "I'm a mess."

"Yes, you are," I giggled, stroking his hair, "let's get you into the shower and back to bed, shall we? We still have a little more than two hours left to get some sleep. And we can christen the couch tomorrow."

He nodded yes and, half asleep again already, murmured, "Love you."

Later, in the remains of that night, I found myself on top of him, straddling his hips and riding him gently. Neither of us was vocal; all that could be heard in the confines of my bedroom was our breathing. A second before he tensed underneath me, he moaned my name. I relished the feel of him pulsating inside of me, it didn't matter that I was actually too tired to find my own release. I just stayed there, hovering over him, imagining the way his face looked like when he came undone.

In order to give us as much peace as possible to rest successfully in the wee hours of the morning, I had shut down the blinds to keep the lights and noises of the awakening city from sneaking in. The room was pitch black. And when Kiddo whispered, "You're so goddamn beautiful, Annie," I smiled, because I knew my exceptionally gifted boyfriend was in fact able to 'see' me in the dark.

Now aren't you special, Portman?

THURSDAY

"Your visitors are here, Annie," Charlie, the doorman informed me. "Want me to send them up?"

"Wait, wait – I'm not expecting anyone. Who are they?" I clamped the receiver between my ear and my shoulder and kept on collecting my personal belongings from the desk and throwing them into my purse. Beatrice and I had an appointment for lunch today, and I was already running late.

"The two, um..." he paused to clear his throat, "gentlemen introduced themselves as Mr. Grey and Mr. Newton."

"What?" The receiver slipped from where I had tucked it and hit the floor, just when Beatrice entered my office. "Fuck!" I hissed.

"Well, nice to see you too," my boss laughed.

I heard the faint treble of Charlie's voice emerge from somewhere under my desk, "Wait, I'll ask them what they want."

Good idea! What the hell...?

"Are you ready, doll?" Beatrice raised a brow at me. "I'm starving, to be honest. But if you need one more minute?"

"No... yes... I don't know. I have a bit of a situation here, I'm afraid."

I picked the receiver up off the floor, just to hear Charlie explain, that the 'gentlemen' were here to just say hello. Then his tone suddenly became somewhat confidential, "You know, I'm glad my daughter isn't here. The younger one, Mr. Grey – for a moment I thought he was the actor who plays that Twilight vampire. My little girl and her friends are completely crazy about that guy..."

Holy shit!

"I'm coming down, Humphrey."

I hung up, took a deep breath and turned to Beatrice. "Ok, the thing is that... well, it seems you're going to meet Edward. Like now. As in, he's waiting for me in the foyer."

Beatrice eyes widened. Then she gasped. Then she squealed. Then she laughed. And finally words came back to her, "Awesome! He can join us for lunch; I can't wait to finally meet Mr. Handsome-Train-Man. Oh my God, the real Edward – let's go!"

I felt the strong urge to raise my hand and shout 'Objection', but I was still too flabbergasted. Besides that, I highly doubted there was any way of stopping Beatrice in her enthusiasm. Her shit-eating grin spoke volumes.

"I can't be-liiieve it..." she repeated to herself in a sort of sing-song while we stepped into the elevator. On the way down I explained that I didn't invite him. "Doesn't matter," was all she said. I also told her that I didn't encourage him to make any surprise appearances at my job. "I don't care," she replied happily.

It was hopeless.

Your boyfriend is becoming public now, Portman. Deal with it!

I made one last attempt. "He is a vampire, Beatrice!"

"I know!" she exclaimed, and we both burst into laughter.

Oh well...

It was only when the elevator doors slid open that I realized I hadn't even told her that Kiddo wasn't alone. I saw them at once. Law was leaning casually against the reception counter, chatting away with Charlie the doorman who was apparently highly amused about something Law had just said. He threw his head back and roared with laughter, while Law's mouth curled into that wicked lop-sided grin. He looked sexy as hell in his khakis and worn out biker leatherjacket.

Kiddo was a few feet away – black jeans, black tee, no backpack! He stood there, stiff as a board, hands buried deep in his pockets, and he wasn't amused at all. He was frowning down at someone who was almost completely hidden by one of the huge marble columns. I couldn't see his eyes from that far, but I could immediately tell from his body language that he was feeling highly uncomfortable. Static, flickers and shit for sure.

Hang in there, baby, I'm on my way!

In my haste to come for his rescue I had almost forgotten about Beatrice, when I heard her gasp next to me, "Oh my God, you didn't lie..."

I winced at that. Why did I wince at that? Only a few more feet...

"Annie, you're a lucky girl," Beatrice chuckled, trying to keep in step with me, "he is absolutely gorgeous!"

Yes, and he is mine – bear that in mind!

Wow, where did that come from?

I shook my head. There wasn't much time for me to muse about that disconcerting thought, because we had almost reached the spot where Kiddo was uncomfortably shifting from one side to the other on his legs. He looked up, as if sensing my presence, and his eyes darted around just as restlessly and lost as I had suspected. Then they found me, and his face immediately registered deep relief.

I smiled assuringly at him as I rounded the column, and then I froze. All my blood went to my feet. And then the same way back up into my cheeks, and within seconds I was fuming.

No. Fucking. Way!

There in front of him, lasciviously leaning back against the column and repeatedly winding a single strand of her blonde mane around her index finger, stood office-bimbo Rosalie. Fucking Barbie from hell, of all people? Batting her lashes at my boyfriend? A single word in flaming red letters lit up in my mind like a neon sign:

BITCH!

She hadn't noticed me yet and was still gibbering non-stop, "...the DJ is a friend of my cousin, you know, and when they have live bands there, he would take us backstage and shit, really cool. My friend Jessica goes there every Friday, and she and I..."

"What are you doing here?" I snarled at her, interrupting her brainless litany.

Her head spun around and she stared at me, positively shocked. "What... why?" She swallowed a few times, obviously working up the nerve to give a retort that wouldn't make her look like a sheep in the eyes of her latest score-to-be. Then she literally spat at me, "It's my lunch break, so I guess it's none of your business."

Wrong answer, slut!

I could almost feel her thin neck in my claws already, when suddenly Beatrice laid a hand on my shoulder and said, "Barbara, I'm still missing those copies I asked you to get for me this morning. I suggest you go back and make quick work of it beforeyou take your break, ok? See you then."

"Yes, Ms. Cruise," the bitch muttered and then, luckily for her, left without another word.

Beatrice briefly squeezed my shoulder and brought her mouth close to my ear. "Jesus Christ, Annie, what's wrong with you? That was completely unnecessary," she whispered through clenched teeth, before she turned towards Kiddo with a bright smile and reached out her hand. "Hi, I'm Beatrice Cruise, Annie's boss. I'm very glad... no, actually I'm thrilled to finally meet the infamous Edward."

Kiddo took her hand and introduced himself in his usual, polite manner. But his eyes darted to mine. Questioning. Confused. Uncertain. The whole situation was clearly bordering to sensory overload for him. He hadn't even recovered from the Barbie attack and my stupid outbreak...

I mean, really... what WAS wrong with me?

… and now he was meeting my boss who was beaming at him, and he had no idea how much and what I had or had not told her about him, about us.

"Will you give us the pleasure to join us for lunch, Edward?" Beatrice invited him.

Kiddo tensed even more, if that was possible, and once again glanced over to me. "I don't know...?"

He was completely at a loss about what to say or how to behave. Kiddo hadn't had any anxiety attacks since I had professed my love to him, but the look on his face showed he was dangerously close to having one right now. The look on his face said, she will deny me again. The look on his face made it painfully clear that I hadn't really earned his trust yet in this matter.

During the past days I had psyched myself up for a moment like this; I just wished it would have been less chaotic. But now was the time, and to my surprise I suddenly felt quite eager to do all of this... in public.

Closing the small distance between him and me, and greeting him with a kiss on the lips.

Taking his hand in mine and not letting go while I turn around to my boss and call him my boyfriend.

Wrapping my arms around his waist and leaning into him when Beatrice winks at him and tells him she'd been suspecting quite awhile that I was finally in love with someone.

Saying out loud that yes, I'm in love and that it is wonderful.

And looking firmly into his eyes as I do so.

Oh god, his eyes...

The way he held my gaze – I could see disbelief fighting relief, a state of shock that didn't allow the freeing realization to rise to the surface yet. He just didn't expect this.

For a moment, it saddened me terribly to know he had braced himself against another disappointment, another round of 'This is Edward, a friend of mine'. And it saddened me even more to know that he would have bitten down the hurt and played along.

Breathe, Kiddo, say something...

Before the silence could become too awkward we were saved by Law.

"Hey, are you guys alright?" Laughing, he pulled me into a tight hug, lifted me up and spun me around in a half circle. A high-pitched squeal escaped me, and a lot of heads were turning in the hall. I could already hear the office grapevine starting to buzz before my feet met the ground again.

"We were just in town, so I said, 'hey let's go and embarrass Annie with a surprise visit,' and here we are. So come on, tell me!"

"Tell you what?"

"Did it work? Are you embarrassed?" He winked.

I looked at Kiddo as I answered, "No, I'm not. Sorry, Law."

The smile that finally found its way onto my love's beautiful features didn't even falter when Law's paw slammed down onto Kiddo's shoulder.

"See? Told you, E!"

Beatrice who had watched Law's big entrance with interest, to put it mildly, cleared her throat which I took as my cue. "Law, please meet my boss, Beatrice Cruise. Beatrice, this is Lawrence Newton, Edward's um... uncle."

Law turned around and instantly provided my unsuspecting chief editor with his panty-dropping smile. The effect was stunning. Her jaw slightly dropped, and the arm she was reaching out once again faltered midway. It didn't help a bit that Law slowly bent down to forego the offered handshake in favor of a kiss on her hand, never taking his eyes of hers in the process, and breathed a husky "It's a pleasure, Beatrice Cruise."

My boss said, "Nngh."

Or something like that.

They didn't join us for lunch, and to be honest, I was glad. Kiddo looked like he already had enough to process, for the moment. He didn't need an instant lesson in business dinner small talk on top of it.

According to Law, they'd really just wanted to say 'Hi' and needed to leave right now because he was parked illegally. The way he oddly stressed the words coincidence and spontaneous during his explanation made me squint my eyes at him. I felt like I had just passed a test without even knowing there was a trial.

My worst suspicions were confirmed when Law hugged me goodbye and murmured, only for me to hear, "You were amazing, girl. Lucy owes me 20 bucks now."

He chuckled, and I stiffened in his arms.

A fucking bet? With fucking Lucy?

I tried to shove him away, ready to give him hell right here and now. But he wouldn't let me. Suddenly serious again, he tightened his grip around me and whispered, "Don't be mad, Annie - he needed that. He needed that, ok?"

I know...

I took a deep breath and nodded yes.

I know...

"Ok, Annie?"

Hells, I know...

"Ok."

I needed it too.

After they had left, I spent the next twenty minutes of my lunchtime with an unusually silent Beatrice who dreamily poked around in her mushroom ravioli without actually ingesting any food.

Dazzled.

"Is he single?" she eventually asked.

Of course I knew who she was referring to. But I teased her anyway.

"Who?"

"Oh, come on!"

I giggled. "As far as I know, Law is single. He's a charmer, huh?"

"Jesus Christ!" she moaned, and exhaled through pursed lips.

"He is the groundkeeper in a retirement home for old ladies," I offered.

"Really? That's kind of... sweet."

"And he eats like an animal."

Heck, why am I telling her this?

"Even better," she laughed enthusiastically, "you know what they say, right? A man's eating manners tell you how he-"

"He has only one leg!" I blurted out.

"How intriguing! How did he lose it?" Now she was actually beaming with enthusiasm.

It was hopeless.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?"

"Oh, I will! I most definitely will. Coffee, Annie? Lunch is on me today." She cocked an eyebrow, "In exchange for his number?"

"Deal. But I must warn you..."

"About what?"

I smirked. "He is a werewolf."

She tipped her head back and gave a heartfelt laugh. "I know, Annie, I know..."

21. Lovebird one, lovebird two

2011-06-22T02:24:00.001-07:00

Oh you're in my blood like holy wine

You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

"A Case Of You" (Joni Mitchell)

(Alice a.k.a. Eric Northman)

"...the morning I wake up... before I pu-hut o-hon my-hy make-up... I say a little prayer for you..."

I swear, Burt Bacharach is a god! The audition today was my best ever, and despite the cute havable on the piano who kept giving me distracting looks all the time, I stayed completely focused. And I pulled it off live, ok? No full playback lip-synch shit with Alice Northman – I'm a singer, yeah Baby!

Ok, ok... everyone knows that Alice predicts the future based on people's decisions, right? Ha, I had already seen the producers' decisions in their faces while I was still performing. And I wasn't even in drag today; I was sporting my co(ck)stume, all serious artist in my True Religion denim hipsters and black tee... the thin black tee that makes my nipple rings wave hello through the fabric. And yes, I wore mascara. Because even if my house was on fire, I wouldn't walk out the door before putting some mascara on, ok?

Anyway... they lo-lo-loved me! All they needed to do now was call me and tell me I'm in the fucking show. Yes, life is good!

"...combing my hair now... wondering what dre-hess to-ho wear now... I say a little prayer for you..."

Still singing happily to myself, I turned the key in the front door. I felt like celebrating. Maybe my newly love-struck bestie Annie was up for a glass of wine or two? No, certainly not. I shook my head, smiling. She hadn't made it out of her apartment, or better, out of her bedroom, one single evening in the last week. Well, I couldn't blame her; Edward was simply adorable in every way. Lucky girl!

"...together, together, you're here in my heart and I will lo-" I froze when I heard a loud groan from upstairs. I recognized the voice at once.

Holy honker! Were they getting at it in the stairway now?

No, there were footsteps, descending slowly. "Edward?" I asked.

The answer sounded like a sigh, "Alice..."

A moment later, my utterly gorgeous friend came into sight and I clapped my hands, excited with the prospect of sharing my triumph with someone.

"Baby, guess what! I just had an audition for the upcoming show in the "Blue Banana", and I swear, I bleeeeeeew them away! First the producers said I was too tall, go figure, but then Alice, the unstoppable, entered the stage and-" I faltered and gasped when Edward stepped into the light; he looked like bad news. As if all color had left him, crestfallen, absolutely terrible. And oh – that groan just a minute ago? Damn, and I was babbling here like a...

"Sweetie, what's wrong; are you sick?"

He stopped at the bottom step, ran his hand through his hair and nodded yes, wordless.

"Poor baby! Is Annie not home?"

He groaned once more and closed his eyes as if in pain. He shook his head and mumbled, "She's here."

And finally it dawned on me that the love birds must have had their first fight. Couldn't be too serious though, fond as those two were of each other. Yet the little prince seemed pretty worn out. Poor kid, fighting with Annie was no fun, that's for sure. I stifled a giggle and stepped towards him to give him the special Alice First Aid treatment.

"I really think you need a hug. Come here, honey," I crooned, not bothering about the panicked look in his eyes as he tore them open.

I enveloped him in my arms before he could even react and smiled smugly as his body, rigid at first, softened after a few seconds. His arms came up, and he put them around my waist, a little awkwardly; his forehead fell onto my shoulder, and then he whispered, "I fucked it up, Alice. She doesn't want me anymore."

"Ah... nonsense," I mumbled. I was having a little trouble focusing on my solacing task, suddenly painfully aware of the fact that I was holding Mr. Sex-on-a-stick close to me. Very close to me. Jesus Canoodle Christ, he felt awesome! My pecker came to life…I considered forgetting about showbiz and make comforting Edward my full-time job instead, when he suddenly pulled away and gasped; a scandalized expression on his face.

"Alice! What the fuck?"

Damn, yes... may I introduce you? Please say Hi to little Eric.

"Sorry, Edward," I smiled wryly and adjusted myself in my suddenly too tight jeans, "I can't help it. Jesus, I'm gay and under thirty - that shit is automatic. Besides, have you looked into the mirror lately? I would probably get a boner even if I was straight. You're just too hot, baby."

"Fuck," he groaned, "that's not funny, Alice, really..."

"Ok," I said, putting one hand on his shoulder with an arm's length between us, "why don't you come in with me and tell me what's going on?"

"I don't really feel like talking right now," he said and hung his head.

Damn, I couldn't bear to see him like this. Sad beautiful pumpkin broke my heart. "We don't need to talk, ok? Just come in and stay for a while. You can't go home like this, I won't let you." He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut in, "Don't argue with Alice, my sweet friend, I'm going to win anyway. Aaaaaand... I have something to make you feel better, I promise."

He snorted mirthlessly, "I doubt it, but yeah... why not. Just please don't hug me again, ok?"

"That's my boy!" I cheered and pulled him into my arms again. He was bristling, but just a little...

Oh boy, cheering Edward up wasn't easy. I could tell he wasn't particularly comfortable with me babying him the way I did, but he was obviously too worn out to fight me off. He didn't even say anything about the leather couch noises; he just dropped himself onto the cushions, leaned back and fiercely rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. I kneeled in front of him, feeling very 'Geisha', to take his shoes off. He muttered a lukewarm protest, but I shushed him and lifted his legs onto the couch, making him lay down. He shook his head, but I think I noticed a hint of a smirk... ah, that's so much better!

"Ok," I said, rubbing my hands, "Since you're not into talking tonight, how about watching a movie together?"

"I'm not into watching a movie either. I don't watch movies," he replied sullenly.

"Oh, but you will like this one, trust me!"

Holy Judy, spank me if my voice didn't sound like a coked up Canary Bird. I blamed it on the aftermath of my audition high, but hell, who was I kidding? I looked down at him with a shit-eating grin, enjoying the double eye candy of my current two fave pretties combined: Fuckhot Edward horizontal on my fuckhot designer couch. Amen!

"Whatever, Alice..." He closed his eyes, defeated.

"Ok, baby, don't go anywhere, I'll be right back!" I called over my shoulder as I walked – no, as I danced into the kitchen to fetch some wine and crackers. I was like, hey - DVD night with Edward, yeah! Sorry, Annie, but really... YEAH!

And so, surprise, surprise, we were watching 'Twilight' together. Or better yet, Edward was watching 'Twilight', and I was watching Edward watching 'Twilight'. When KStew's voice started over the Bambi intro, he recognized the prologue and admitted he hadn't read much more than the first two chapters of the book yet because he - gasp! - found it 'poorly written'!

"Why did we become friends again?" I wondered loudly, and he actually snickered. Damn, I was good – Edward was relaxing more and more. I couldn't wait for the cafeteria scene, cue entrance: The Cullens. How would he react, seeing himself? I mean, hell, he was like Rob's twin brother. This was going to be fun!

But much to my disappointment, the scene came and passed, and all he had to say was, "Do you think, Rosalie is a good name for Annie's new budgie?" What the fuck?

I answered a little huffily, "No. If anything, it should be Esme. You'll see why."

He mumbled, "Ok," and after a few minutes he yawned and laid his head on my shoulder; which I happily considered the closest to kiss-and-make-up I would ever get. He even allowed me to stroke his hair. I guess he was really down and needed comfort. Maybe their fight had been more serious than I'd thought? Anyway... his hair – man, it was soft and I loved to have my fingers in it. It was really... nice, and I was pleasantly distracted. After a while though, I just had to ask.

"What do you think about the actor who plays Edward? Don't you notice anything?"

"What do you mean," he asked drowsily, "his bad make-up?"

I sighed. "You're a lost case, aren't you? No, I mean, doesn't he remind you of someone?"

We'd made it to the meadow scene by now, and Edward lifted his head off my shoulder to watch more intensely, which made me regret having asked. Then he said, "No. Should he?"

"Ay chihuahua, Eddy, you're driving me nuts! He looks like you, for crying out loud!" I exclaimed, unable to hold back any longer.

He furrowed his brows and leaned forward, his eyes glued to the screen, where Robert Pattinson was just declaring himself the world's most dangerous predator. "Not at all," he said, "why would you think that?"

Well, maybe Rob's make-up was really bad. I reached under the couch and produced my beloved US Weekly Special, "The Sexy Stars of Twilight". I skimmed through it until I found my favorite Rpattz pic and shoved it under Edward's nose. He stared at it silently; his brows knitted together even more and then he nodded a reluctant yes.

"Ha!" I said triumphantly.

He kept on staring at the picture, and all of a sudden he was sad Panda again. Uh, that went totally wrong. "What is it, honey?" I asked.

"Does Annie think I look like him, too? I mean, is that why she..." He turned to face me, and I winced at how downcast he looked. "Is that all it is about, Alice?"

Oh, fuck!

"God... no, silly!" I took the magazine from his hands and tossed it onto the floor. Then I cupped his angel face with both hands. "Listen to me, sweetie, Annie fucking loves you. She loves you, ok?"

He looked like he was going to cry. "She said, she doesn't."

"What? No way... why? When?" Annie, you stupid bitch!

Edward turned his attention back to my TV screen where Bella and Twilight-Edward just shared their first kiss. "Today," he answered almost inaudible, "just before you found me in the stairway."

I rubbed his shoulders soothingly. "She doesn't mean it, sweetheart, you know that, right? Won't you tell me what happened?"

He didn't take his eyes of the screen. Movie-Edward had just crashed into the wall with the kissus interruptus, and his tortured face mirrored my friend's expression so much, it was ridiculous. As the famous line 'I can never lose control with you' was spoken, Edward winced and closed his eyes. "This is some crazy shit..." he muttered, shaking his head.

With a strong feeling that our DVD night was over, I reached for the remote and pressed 'Pause'. Rob's face froze; a mask of hurt... not good! I switched the TV off too. Edward kept on staring at the blank screen. I cupped his cheek, which made him turn his head and look at me.

Ok, got it. They had a fight. Lovebird One had lost it and had said something really cruel which she didn't really mean. However, Lovebird Two had taken it to heart, because he was just as over-sensitive as he was sexy. But now Aunt Alice was here, ready to work her magic and fix shit. It couldn't be that bad, right?

"Baby... what happened?"

"I threw a vase at her."

Oooookaaaay... that's pretty bad!

"Edward... please tell me, you didn't!"

He shrugged helplessly and looked down on his hands. Translation: Oh yes, he did. Damn, those two didn't do things by halves. Their first argument and they both hit each others' weakest spot with instinctive certainty. Great!

"Honey, did you know that Annie was married?"

His head jerked up. "No! I didn't... she was married? She isn't...?"

"Divorced," I hurried to say, as I saw the panic in his eyes. Gosh, those green eyes...

"And what-?" He didn't get it.

"Her ex-husband was abusive... when he lost his temper he turned into a brainless brute, ok? Fuck, let's call it what it was – he used to beat the shit out of her, with increasing regularity. She got a restraining order against him after the divorce, and thankfully that piece of shit stays away. But you see how you... I mean, throwing things at her isn't exactly the way to make her declare her love to you, ok? You've probably scared her to death."

And there you go... he's crying for real now. Jesus...!

Edward wiped his eyes angrily before the tears that dwelled in the corners of his eyes could run down his face. "God, I had no idea, Alice. She never said anything. I don't know... what am I... fuck!" He let his head fall forward against my shoulder and sighed heavily. "What am I supposed to do? Help me... please, Alice, I don't know what to do." It was almost a whimper.

I raised my hand to gently stroke the nape of his neck, and said softly, "Why don't you tell me what the fight was about, from the beginning, and then we'll come up with a plan to fix the mess you two have made?"

My sad, beautiful friend took a deep breath, and then he told me... everything.

(Edward's Notebook)

I don't know what had possessed me to actually believe you were just into me because I resembled some actor you had a silly crush on. I mean, deep down I knew it wasn't like that. But for a moment, everything just came together... those photos Alice showed me, and the movie. I realized that I had even said a few things to you that could have been taken from that damn movie, and I thought that maybe I had just somehow matched your Twilight fantasies or something. I'm sorry I thought so low of you. I was just confused.

When I heard about your marriage, when Alice told me about your abusive ex, I knew I really had fucked it up royally. I understood why you would have done and said anything just to get rid of me. And I would have understood if you'd never wanted to see me again. I had no idea how to fix it, or if it was even possible to fix it.

If Alice hadn't been there for me... well, there's something strange about Alice. I don't know how she does it, but I already felt a little less forlorn just seeing her in the stairwell. She made me lay down on the couch I hate, and made me watch that silly movie that you two love so much. She made me accept her caressing touches and it wasn't even awkward. And finally she made me spill my guts.

I don't think I have ever talked so much in my life. I told her everything, Annie. About myself, my past and present, how we met, what you mean to me, everything. She is a good listener. She didn't say much while I was talking, except when it came to my synesthesia. She got really enthusiastic about it, it was crazy. She knew what it was. She said she had read a lot about it and found it absolutely intriguing. I had to answer countless questions; she wanted to know every little detail about it. And she made it sound like I had a precious gift or something; she seemed to envy me, actually.

And then I told her about our fight, Tom's flowers and the card and the things you said. I told her about my anger and the Black, and how it suddenly was gone. I told her how I had pressed to hear you say you love me and how it had backfired. And when I finally had told her everything, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me.

Alice once again assured me that from all she saw and heard and knew, she had no doubt that you loved me. She said, that she had never seen you as happy or so open to a man before, and that she really wondered why you hadn't given me my own key to your apartment yet.

She also confirmed that I truly had screwed things up. As if I didn't know already. But she wasn't happy with your behavior either. In her opinion, I had been right to stand up for myself and tell it like it is; she said she really liked me like that - just minus throwing vases at my girlfriend, of course. She had me laughing finally. She is so strange, pink and yellow Alice.

I said that you always refused to see yourself as just that, my girlfriend, and that it was part of what nagged at me. Alice got a bit mad and started pacing the room, muttering something about shaking some sense into both of us. At that point, I was pretty much determined to go back upstairs and talk to you. I felt like we could figure things out, however bad we had fucked up. But she suggested a phone call first.

I told her that we had never exchanged numbers for some reason, and that pissed her off even more. She was all like, 'What the fuck is wrong with you guys,' and, 'You two are like first graders or something!'

She made me get my cell out and hand it to her so she could type your number in. But as soon as she had it, she raised her brows and asked me if I knew that I had fifteen unanswered calls. I remembered that I had switched off the alarm earlier. It could only be Law anyway, but fifteen calls? I looked over Alice's shoulder when she checked them. The last two were from Law; the other thirteen showed a number I didn't know.

Alice squealed because she recognized the phone number. It was yours. I could hardly breathe; my heart was beating so hard I thought it would break through my chest. Alice danced around, laughing and clapping her hands. 'I knew it, I knew it,' she almost sang the words.

I didn't dare to call you back. Your calls could have meant anything... maybe you wanted us to make up, or maybe you wanted to tell me to stay away and that you never wanted to see me again. How should I know? I called Law instead.

He didn't even say hello, he just yelled at me right away, 'Where the fuck are you? I've been trying to call you for hours! And what have you done to Annie? She is out of her mind, insane with worrying about you!' I told him I was with Alice and that I just had muted my cell, and he sighed. After a moment he asked, more calmly, whether I was ok. I said yes, and then I asked him about you and when you had called him.

He told me that you hadn't called but had come to Park Road Village looking for me. I couldn't believe it. You had come looking for me. Law said you had gotten into a fight with Lucy, which he thought was absolutely hilarious, and he wished I could have seen it. Apparently, Lucy had started bitching at you, because you had told her you were looking for your boyfriend. I wanted to cry when I heard that. But most of all I wanted to run and find you and take you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you.

All this time, Alice was cheek to cheek with me, listening and gasping every now and then. And suddenly she snatched the cell from my hands and shouted, 'Hi Law, this is Alice, we'll call you back, ok, bye!' Then she threw it back to me and nearly screamed, 'Call her, call her!'

My hands were shaking so much that I almost missed the buttons...

(Annie)

When I got off the train, I picked my cell out of my purse for the umpteenth time to dial Kiddo's number. He hadn't gone home, and no one knew where he was. The nauseating idea that he might have done something to himself because of my stupidity just wouldn't go away.

Please, God, I know you probably have no idea who I am, because I really haven't talked to you much lately. So just in case, this is Annie Portman, ok? And I'm not asking for myself... but please, please, please... let him be ok! Don't let anything happen to him just because I've been such a stupid bitch!

The phone in my hand rang, ending my religious moment abruptly, and I jumped. The display showed just one letter, 'E'. In my wild haste, it had been all I could manage to type when Law had given me his number.

Fucking thank you, God, that was quick!

I didn't wait for him to speak. "Edward, are you ok?"

There was a moment of silence, before he answered, "I am now... I think."

I couldn't hold back the silly tears when I finally heard his voice. "Oh my God, I was so worried, I thought you... damn, where are you?"

"I'm with Alice. I... I just talked to Law, and he said-"

"Stay where you are, I'm almost there. I can see the house already; I'll be there in a minute!" I half-sobbed the last words, and my feet started to run all by themselves. When I rounded the entry, the front door flew open, and there he was... upright, and in one piece, and so beautiful. My knees nearly gave way with relief.

And then I was in his arms. "Annie..." was all he said.

"I know, Baby, I know..." I answered breathlessly, "I couldn't find you, and I was so scared!"

My beautiful boy. My beautiful boyfriend... we clung to each other, slowly rocking back and forth. It felt so good to hold him and to be held by him, but still...

"We need to talk, Edward."

"Yes," he whispered.

There was a throat-clearing, and then Alice chimed, "Well, you two are quite an adornment to the doorway and I bet the neighbors really do enjoy the show, but maybe you should get a room or something..."

I pulled back to look at Kiddo. His green eyes were a bit moist, but bright. They were full of questions, but I could also see strength in them, a new confidence I hadn't seen before. And I liked it.

"Let's go inside," I said.

We didn't need to get his stuff out of Alice's apartment; his backpack was dangling from Alice's index finger, and she smiled and rolled her eyes when Edward snatched it as we passed her by. We hurried upstairs and had hardly made it inside when we stumbled against the wall, kissing and tugging at each other. There was nothing tender about it, our kisses were demanding, aggressive and needy. In no time, we were panting. So much for talking...

"I'm so sorry for what I did," he whispered against my lips between kisses. "I didn't mean to scare you." His mouth was on my neck now, while his hand caressed my ribs right underneath my breasts.

I raked my hands through his hair, urging his head further down. "But you did, Kiddo, you scared me." I moaned as he cupped my tits and licked his way down to my cleavage.

"I'm sorry," he said again, "I'm really sorry..." His lips closed around my nipple over the fabric of my blouse and he bit down lightly.

My girly bits went up in flames and a hissed 'Fuck!' escaped me. I pushed him away a little to get some room to maneuver, and reached down to unbutton his jeans. He let go of me and both his arms fell down to his sides. He looked down on my busy hands, his chest heaving.

"I'm not sorry for what I said though," he declared, "I meant every word."

There it was again, that new confidence, and hell – it was sexy! Suddenly I couldn't wait to get him naked; I got down on my knees, impatiently pulling his jeans and boxers down all the way. His engorged cock sprang free and I took him into my hand, squeezing gently. I glanced up at him from under my lashes and smiled. He looked slightly confused, apparently waiting for me to stand up again.

"Annie?" he said, breathing heavily. And then his eyes widened, as I bent forward and briefly swirled my tongue around his tip. "Oh, fuck..." he moaned. His arms went up to brace himself against the wall. I had never done that with him before, so he was definitely surprised. I licked him once more, and he groaned, "Jesus!"

It was so fucking hot to see him like this; he was so responsive, I could probably cum just from watching his reactions. I wondered if this was his first blowjob. Stroking him slowly, I said, "I am sorry for what I said, I didn't mean a thing. I was so stupid..." I licked around the tip once more, and he drew in a sharp breath through his clenched teeth. God, I loved this...

"God, Annie..." he whispered between pants, and one of his hands gingerly touched my head. I closed my lips around the head of his cock and sucked, while I continued pumping him with my hand. He closed his eyes. "Oh my god, oh my god... oh fuck, Annie...!" He got really vocal, and I loved it. Jesus, my pussy loved it! I was so wet, and he hadn't even touched me. I took as much of him as I could, and started bobbing my head up and down on his shaft. His legs began to shake, and I knew this would be quick.

"Annie, I... oh fuck," he groaned, "I'm going to... oh God, I... Annie, move!"

I wasn't much into swallowing, never been, so I took his advice and got on my feet. I continued stroking him, as I brought my mouth to his ear. "I want to try, Edward," I said, "I really want to try to be your girlfriend."

His hips jerked and within a second, he came all over my hand, crying out, "Jesus... shit... oh... fuck..." He was so gorgeous. And he was loud, such a turn on. I kissed him ferociously, giving him a taste of himself, and we both moaned in unison.

I leaned my forehead against his, as we tried to catch our breaths. After a while I whispered, "But I swear to you, if you ever –ever – do anything like that again... throwing things, breaking furniture, lose your temper like you did... I will end this, us, in a heartbeat."

"I know," he said, stroking my hair.

"So you better try hard, Edward. And I promise I will try hard too. Because I really don't want to end this, ok?"

He swallowed and nodded. "I love you, Annie."

Ok, Portman... say it! Out loud!

"I love you, Edward."

20. Black & White (Edward' Notebook Pt.2)

2011-06-22T02:20:00.001-07:00

Don't mess up with the do's and don'ts

Easy! Follow the golden rules
As I told you recently
You have to show some decency
To win my love...

"Do the Right Thing" (Betti Gefecht)

Saturday, Sept. 26

(3 days ago)

For Annie.
My love.

This entry is an epic setback in my journal of the good things. Once again, I fucked things up. I'm not even capable of holding it together for a single week. All I can say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I yelled at you, for my impatience, my temper. I'm so sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

But Annie, you were wrong... so wrong!

The things you said, and how you said them. And then the flickering. It was a faint, translucent flickering, but it was there, and I couldn't bear to see you flicker. Not you. This wasn't right.

I'm not saying this as an excuse. There is no excuse for what I did.

Fucking Black...

(Annie)

Kiddo stared at the opulent bouquet on my kitchen table; I could see his mind working. He traced one of the hyacinth blossoms with his finger and said, "I didn't know you like flowers. I've never seen any here before."

Uh-oh...

I sighed. "No, I don't care too much about flowers. James brought them. I mean... Tom, my neighbor. He came to apologize."

"Ah yes?"

Uh-oh!

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist from behind, snuggling my face against his back. "Yes, he was really sorry about everything, you know, getting abusive towards you and me. But we talked about it and straightened things out. It's a good thing, don't you think? I mean, with your probation and everything, it's good that he's not going to make a big deal about the uhm... controversy you two had."

"He was very disrespectful to you, and he hurt you," Kiddo stated gravely.

"Tom and I are friends, Edward. We had a fight, he apologized, we talked it out, and we made up with each other. That's what friends are supposed to do."

His tense posture highly signaled objection, but he didn't comment on my little speech. Instead he picked something out of the flowers and held it up; it was a small envelope. "Here's a card," he muttered.

"Oh? I didn't even notice - let's see!" I took the envelope from his hands and opened it, still with my arms around his waist. When I pulled the card out, I knew immediately I was in trouble...

Damn you, James!

"Have fun, baby!
When you're done with him, let me know.
Ready when you are.
Yours, Tom"

(Edward's Notebook)

It wasn't the card that made me upset. Not really. That guy is a prick, whatever you say, and friend or not. But he means nothing to me. I can't even bring myself to regret having thrashed him up the other day. At best, I regret that I didn't break his nose for real. Just because what he had written was so incredibly rude. Ok, maybe it made me upset. But not too bad.

In fact, I considered his bold note as a royal fuck-up on his own behalf, and I was quite positive that his flowers would end up in the trash, or better yet, in his face. I mean, you hadn't even seen the card until then. And now that you had, I expected you to get mad at him. But you didn't.

At first, I couldn't believe I really understood you when you said it was just a joke about what you and he had talked about. The way you downplayed it, your carelessness when you waved that guy's insolence off took my breath away. Just a joke? Did you really not see what he was aiming at? Did you not feel how those words tainted everything that was between us?

I didn't even want to know what you and he had talked about that had made him write such crap. But there was no stopping you. You said he had realized that he had no right to be angry or jealous; since he'd had several short-time affairs himself in the past which you'd never had held against him. And if he could play around for a little variety, there was no reason why you shouldn't take the same freedom. You said, he was 'cool with it' now, and that's why he said, 'Have fun!'.

God, Annie...

You could as well have stabbed me with a knife and turned the blade around with every word. Short-time affair? Play around? A little variety? It hurt. So bad.

But isn't it ironic? Up to this moment I had resigned myself so damn well to my lowered expectations, that I never really had considered myself to be more to you than a 'short-time affair'. Not in such dismissive terms, but something along those lines. Because that was the way my mind worked. Even after everything that had changed in the past week, every time I was with you I had successfully put those thoughts to the back of my mind. But they would still eat me from the inside in your absence, and I had taken it as a given fact that what we had wouldn't last for long.

Still trouble believing in the good things, I guess.

But to hear you say those things, somehow hit a switch inside of me. This wasn't right.

I deserved better.

This thought... what a rush! I'd never stood up for myself before, never claimed anything. The thought was nauseating, frightening. It scared the living daylights out of me. But the truth of it was overwhelming.

I. Deserved. Better.

I know, I once said I didn't mind if you didn't love me back. But that was before you came and changed everything. You changed me, Annie, and there's no taking it back. You told me I deserve happiness. Well, now I wanted happiness! And hearing that you'd sold me out to that douchebag Tom as a toy for 'a little variety', didn't make me happy at all.

However, it still wasn't what elicited the Black.
I couldn't even feel it coming.

I stayed very calm, didn't I, when I told you that I was hurt and disappointed. That I didn't want to be treated like a puppy that had followed you home. That I wanted this to last, wanted you to stay with me. To stay with me a hell of a lot longer than the ridiculous timeframe I had allowed myself to hope for until now.

I didn't even raise my voice when I said that I wished so fucking badly for you to be mine. To stop being embarrassed about us, and especially in front of that asshole who called himself your friend while he was pissing on your feelings with his dick in his hand.

For the first time I didn't just take what I was offered, but told you I wanted more. And it felt right.

I fucking knew you cared about me, a lot! And I fucking wanted you to say so. This time, I didn't leave you the excuse of a passionate moment or post-coital bliss to ignore my declaration.

And it felt so right.

We were fully dressed, it was bright daylight, and there was a seven foot distance between us when I said the words.

When I said, I love you.

It felt so right.

Not a hint of a Black at all.
I swear, I couldn't feel it coming.

But your next words wiped out every color.

(Annie)

"No, you don't!" I yelled at him. "You have no idea what you're talking about. God, you're practically a kid, Edward - you don't even know what love is." My heart was racing. Damn, this was exactly what never should have happened. Worst case scenario!

His shoulders slumped forward and his eyelids fluttered. "Annie, don't..."

Easy, Portman... damage control. Now.

"Edward, I'm sorry if I've lead you to believe that this is more than a little... romance, but I never promised you anything, right? On the contrary, I told you... that girlfriend thing... look, I do care about you, really, but we can't be... I don't want that responsibility."

Great! Very eloquent... fuck!

"Responsib... what? Jesus, Annie!"

"Look, you're sweet, and I enjoy the hell out of you, but we both know this isn't going to last, don't we? You're so young! You'll find some nice girl and-"

"No, Annie. NO!"

I winced at his sudden outbreak, speechless. He'd never shouted at me before. Oh, he was definitely pissed off! He grabbed the back of the kitchen chair next to him so tight that his knuckles went white, and then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Don't fucking treat me like I'm a 12-year-old," he growled at me, "This is not you; you don't mean it!"

"I mean every single word, Edward, I assure you."

"No, you don't!" His fist landed on the table top with a bang. "This is bullshit, you fucking flicker like a broken tube! And how can you let that motherfucker talk like that about me... about us, and not give him hell right away? How can you fucking agree with him, just because he bought you fucking green stuff? This is all kinds of wrong, and I... fuck!"

What the...?

He was huffing, hands clenched into tight fists, and he opened and shut his mouth a few times as if he wanted to say something, but had trouble getting it out. I guess I should have seen the signs, but I was simply too pissed off myself. Kiddo yelling expletives at me? Banging on the table? On MY table? No way...

"Will you please calm down, for crying out loud? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Yes, I should have known better, but I didn't realize that he was on the edge of a black episode, until the vase with Tom's flowers shattered against the wall right next to my head, sprinkling me with water and porcelain smithereens. I squealed and buried my face in my hands. And then I heard Kiddo shout, wheezing between the words, as if they were strangling him.

"...I ...DESERVE ...BETTER!"

(Edward's Notebook)

I said it. Or rather, shouted it.

And no bolt of lightning came out of the sky to strike me down. Who knew?

It almost killed me to get those words out, they were choking me. They fought me, they struggled to be kept inside with claws and teeth, ripping my chest and throat open in the process, and it took all my strength to not just swallow them down again.

At the same time, my world was getting dark; I realized I was about to lose my shit while I was in the same room with you, and I panicked. I needed to get out of your apartment, away from you. But I also needed to speak. Now. Speak, and then run before it was too late. With a feeling as if they were cutting me open from the inside, I forced the words out the very moment the Black enveloped me completely.

There was an inarticulate cry. Heart-piercing. Animalistic. I only realized that I had emitted that terrifying roar myself, when the world around me suddenly erupted in light.

I remember how I stumbled backwards until I found something to hold on, and I sank down on the edge of the table, shaking and panting. The last fragments of darkness resolved into the margins of my range of vision, and I tried to grasp how I had just made it out of a full-blown Black... just like that. Unbelievable. My head was swimming, and I would have turned euphoric. But then I looked up and saw that the damage was already done. My perception was weirdly heightened, the scene laid out in front of me was painfully bright and sharp.

You with your back against the wall.
You with your face hidden behind your hands.
Your blouse drenched with water.
Flowers and shards in a puddle at your feet.

It still gives me a chill as I'm writing this down. God, I can't believe I had thrown the fucking vase at you. There are no words to say how sorry I am. Something like that wasn't supposed to happen... ever! But I'm so glad you weren't hurt; I would have never forgiven myself if I'd hurt you. But I didn't know then. See Annie, I didn't know the vase had missed you. That's why I freaked out.

I have no idea when or how, but apparently, I had smashed your chair too. I tumbled over its parts on the floor when I rushed to check on you, but I didn't care. There were small fragments of the broken vase in your hair, and you just wouldn't take your hands off your face. You just wouldn't take them off! I could only think, 'Her face! Oh God, her eyes!' I almost expected to see blood running down from between your fingers. I called your name, again and again. I didn't mean to yell at you, but I was half insane, Annie, I thought the vase had hit you.

I wanted to pry your hands off of your face, but you vehemently flinched from my touch. You started thrashing around, blindly striking at me. I was almost sure at that point that I had seriously damaged your face. And then you screamed...

(Annie)

"GET AWAY!"

I screamed at him; I was absolutely fucking hysterical. I couldn't bear him touching me or even talking to me. The only thing I wanted was for him to get out of my apartment. Out of my life.

I definitely had underestimated the nature of his condition, his savageness. Though he had warned me often enough. 'The mind of a killer,' he had said. I had taken it as a colorful metaphor then, but I saw the truth of it in his eyes, a second before the vase missed my face by a hairbreadth. I had never seen him like this, not even when he had been so mad at Law's.

I covered my face with my hands. Not only to keep any flying porcelain pieces from hitting me, but also because I was quite certain Kiddo would come for me and attack me. In that moment I realized I was witnessing the infamous Black, and it scared the shit out of me. And when I heard this absolutely inhuman roar along with the noise of something breaking, I burst into tears and started shaking violently.

Oh God, he's going to hurt me...

"Annie, take your hands away, please, let me see your face. Annie, please... are you hurt? Let me see your face," he was pleading first, but started yelling soon.

It was when I felt his hands on mine that I instinctively stroke out wildly and screamed at him, telling him to go away. He stopped at once. Into the silence I heard him whisper, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to... God, I'm sorry."

I slowly removed my hands and turned to him. The murderous look in his eyes had been replaced by one of deep consternation, and he held his arms up in a defensive gesture, assuring me that he wouldn't touch me. His lids fluttered briefly, and then he moaned, "Oh thank God, you're ok!"

Ok? Was he nuts?

"I am. Not. Ok," I snarled, not taking my eyes off of him, because I honestly expected him to go ballistic once again any moment.

"I know," Edward replied and took a step back, as if to give me space. As if he knew I needed that. My fear and anger slowly subsided. From the corner of my eye I saw the pathetic remainders of my chair. How much strength was needed to break a solidly mortised, wooden chair? This was madness! I looked back into those green eyes, searching for any signs of the Hulk I'd seen in action. But the monster was gone. And somehow Kiddo was gone too. There was just... Edward.

"I can fix that," he said.

I wasn't sure whether he meant the chair, or everything else. But it didn't make a difference anyway. "I don't want you to," I answered, "I want you to leave."

And then I closed my eyes again, because I couldn't bear the way his gaze changed into something like molten emerald. I just wanted to be alone again. This whole Annie-Edward thing, whatever it was, had spiraled out of control. Like an ill-fated relationship in time lapse, to the point of my number one hard limit within just a few days: domestic violence. I wasn't going to have that. Ever again. No testosterone-ridden tantrums in my life. It was a promise I had made to myself a long time ago. It was the reason why I wouldn't let a man sleep in my bed. It was the reason why I'd never made a copy of my apartment key. It was the reason why the story of Annie and Edward had to end right now. I had already broken far too many rules with him.

"Annie," he started, and then I heard him swallow hard. "I can't really explain it, but something just happened. And I can promise you, you will never see me like that again."

This was so much cliché that it hurt. They always promise that. And it doesn't mean a thing. If I didn't stop this now, it would happen again and again, and each time he would promise the same thing, and break the promise the same way.

Don't listen to him, Portman, you know how this goes...

"I'm sorry that the Black took over, this was never supposed to happen. I'm glad I didn't hurt you, not physically at least. But Annie, I can't..."

His breathing hitched while he was struggling again, searching for words. And when he continued, he seemed to be much closer than before; I could feel his breath on my cheek.

"Annie, I won't take anything back of what I said. I meant every word. And please, I'm begging you... think about it. Think about us."

I didn't answer. Was he trying to guilt-trip me? Was he really telling me what just had happened was my own fault? Fuck yes; he was following the average wife beater's handbook! And why the fuck did this shit still work? I suddenly felt so terribly guilty I wanted to throw up.

"I know you care for me, Annie. I don't know if you love me. I think you do, but... I don't know for sure. I told you I can't read your mind like that; you have to tell me what you're thinking."

Oh sure... quoting Twilight to make me yield? Son of a bitch!

"You never said it, and I didn't mind until now. Because you never said that you don't love me either. But you sort of did so today, and this is... it's just... "

Please, God... Dr. Cullen... anyone... shut him up!

He drew in a ragged breath, as if he needed to pluck up all his courage, before he gasped out his next words, "... it's just fucking not acceptable."

No matter how much I tried to will back the tears I felt newly welling up – it was a lost cause. And if I kept on squeezing my eyes shut like this, they would only overflow sooner. So I forced myself to look at him, and all I could think of was how gorgeous he was, and how screwed up and scary at the same time, with those demons inside of him that he couldn't control and I definitely couldn't deal with. What had I been thinking? That I was the one who could untame the lion and get away with it unharmed?

Way to go, Portman!

But God, he was so beautiful... the way he stood there, his shoulder leaning against the wet spot on the wall. His hand was hovering only inches away from my cheek, he was aching to touch me, but apparently was waiting for some permission of sorts, any sign from me that I would let him. When he moved a little closer, I flinched, and his fingers clenched.

"It's not acceptable," he repeated in a strained voice, "because I do love you, Annie. With all my heart. I love you and I still hope... no, I still want you to be my girlfriend."

Fuck! The G-word again... what do I have to do to make him stop?

"If you really want me to go, I'll go. It will... kill me, Annie, but if you really want me to -" His voice broke with the last words, but he stood tall and his gaze didn't sway as he finished, "You just need to look me in the eye and say that you don't love me. And I will leave right now."

Oh?

And stupid me! Without thinking, I clutched at the last straw he was holding out to me. Too desperate to ease the pressure and get rid of the vise that had closed around my heart more and more during Kiddo's speech, I mindlessly blurted it out.

"I don't love you."

He didn't even blink. As if my words hadn't come across. But I knew they had, and I immediately wanted to take them back as I watched his eyes fall dead... lifeless. He stood there and stared right through me, stiff as a statue, like he had stopped breathing. After a few seconds I noticed that was exactly what he had done.

"Breathe, Edward!" I demanded, and he finally sucked in a noisy breath.

Without another word, he turned on his heel, snatched his jacket and backpack off the floor and went for the door. He paused, with his hand on the knob, but didn't turn around. He just slightly tilted his head, so I could see his profile when he opened his mouth to speak,

"Be careful when you... pick up the pieces."

Then the door fell shut behind him, and he was gone.

(Edward's Notebook)

The words didn't really reach me. It was so surreal to hear you say - actually SAY out loud - that you don't love me... the words didn't even trigger anything in my vision. They were nothing but hollow sounds without any meaning. Colorless, motionless sounds.

I felt absolutely nothing.

And then you ordered me to breathe, and I did. Still I felt nothing. The only thing I understood was that you wanted me to go. I think it wasn't before I had stepped out of your apartment and the door clicked shut behind me, that it sank in and I started shaking all over. I needed some time, don't know how long, to fight back the panic attack. And then I just stood there and waited.

I could hear you move around the apartment as you cleaned up the mess I had made. You were talking to yourself occasionally, but I couldn't make out any words. After a while the noises stopped. And I waited. I wasn't quite sure what I was waiting for, but I had the strong feeling I would miss something important if I didn't stay. My mind showed me different scenarios, like you would call my name, asking me to come back. Or you would open the door and take me in your arms. At some point I thought I heard you quietly say my name, but I knew my mind was playing tricks on me. Yet I kept on waiting.

I just didn't believe you, you know? I refused to believe that you didn't love me. Every single cell in my body was objecting, crying angrily. Little electric tears. My heart was beating its denial, 'not true... not true... not true...' Yes, like that.

It was dark outside when I finally gave up waiting for you. Something like embarrassment crept into my numbness, when I realized that I was lingering at your door like a stray. Since when did I care about my dignity? What was this... pride? Self-esteem? You changed me a lot more than we both knew. No, I wasn't going to beg you to take me back. I'd just go. I could do this.

Sure... I turned to your door once more and listened intensively before I reached out for the stair-rail. There was nothing but silence. But when I slowly started to descend, I heard something, and I think I groaned...

"Edward?"

Chapter song:

19. Edward's Notebook Pt.1 (EPOV)

2011-06-22T02:16:00.000-07:00

I can't breathe easy

Can't sleep at night till you're by my side
No, I can't breathe easy
I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me there's no air

"Breathe Easy"

(Blue)

Tuesday, Sept. 29

I haven't written anything in a week.

Not since the day I introduced you to Law and I was sure he'd steal you because of that glow between you and him. A week has passed since you came to my room to prove me wrong.

You came to my white room to save me.

How come I haven't written a single word since then?

I just realize that the only time I write is when things are fucked up. I'm browsing this journal, and it is full of fucked up moments. My depressing 'Journal of Fucked-up Things'.

I'm not like that anymore.

I haven't written anything in a week because, against all odds, this last week has been the best week of my entire life. And I just now realize that I simply used to skip the good things that have happened to me. There have been good things every now and then; I just never wrote them down.

I didn't believe in the good things.

Good things weren't meant for me and would be taken away from me sooner or later. Usually sooner. And there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't want them to be in this book to remind me of what I'd lost.

I'm starting to believe in the good things now.

I let them show. I look at them.

It was blindingly scary at first, white flashes whenever I tried to open up to them. The first one almost burned me. It was when Annie called me a good person who deserved happiness. A massive flare-up, close to physical pain. But I withstood it. Because she meant it. Because she believed it. No flickers.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and she believes in me.

And though it still feels as if the ground opens up under my feet to swallow me, I'm willing to believe in the good things in return, because that's all she's asking for... a little faith.

My hands are shaking as I'm writing this.

She believes in me. After everything she's learned about me. This is big!

Not pink and yellow big, but God... it is a mighty wave, and I'm not afraid of drowning anymore. I'm only afraid of losing her, afraid that she could disappear.

Yes, I still brace myself for the day she'll leave me.
Faith – it's not easy. But I try, I really do.

I'm starting my 'Journal of the Good Things' today.
Beginning with my chronicle of the previous week.

For you, Annie. Because I owe you.
And because I WANT to have something to remind me, once you'll be taken away from me again.

At least it won't be as if you'd never existed...

x-x-x

Tuesday, Sept. 22

(7 days ago)

For Annie.
My love.

I'm trying to write more coherently than I used to do. I want all of this to make sense when you read it. Because I think you will read this one day. I know you've read my journal before; I saw it in your patterns when I took it out that morning in your bedroom. The sight of it did weird things to you. I didn't intend to read you like that, it just happened. I'm always too open in your presence.

I don't mind that you read my journal. I want you to know me.

This is new too, not wanting to hide. Not being on guard all the time. It actually stretches back to include our very first conversation on the train when you encouraged me to talk about myself. Do you remember your talking lesson? You were killing me, Annie. You ripped me open before I knew it. From the very beginning, I was at your mercy, unprotected. I can't remember when I had ever been that unshielded before, but somehow I was able to deal with it.

It was a miracle. I loved you right then.

Every day with you is full of miracles. But I still can't wrap my head around everything that happened that day when you came to my room and told me that you wanted me to be myself with you. I feel like I'm starting my life all over again, like I'm starting LIFE finally.

I'm a newborn. I feel like I died and was reborn. It was a nameless relief, but also a searing pain... like drawing in the first lung-ripping breath when breaching the surface of the water in the nick of time. It burned.

If it wasn't for you, I would have never dove that deep in the first place. But I would have done anything you'd asked, no matter how frightening the idea. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep you in my life as long as possible, or drown trying.

Because I had fucked things up so many times that day, I could hardly believe you were still there with me. After asking you to be my girlfriend, like you were a High School girl? Panicking like a deer in headlights when you found out about my synesthesia? Acting like a goddamn psychopath when I saw that thing between you and Law? Not to mention my numerous failures of the day before.

I couldn't handle my unshielded self. The stream of perceptions and sensations scared me, but I couldn't keep it from flooding in. I was excited and intimidated and love drunk. Oh, so love drunk. And then I saw the two of you together, and I just lost it.

I'm sorry about the way I snapped at you and Law. I'm sorry I took it out on both of you.

You asked me about the Black. It's hard to explain what it is.

What do I see? How does it feel?

Do you know the feeling when you get up too quickly out of bed in the morning? That almost-blackout? The brief moment of nausea and weakness? A little like that. But most of all it is a helpless anger. Like being unjustifiably attacked or punished for something you haven't done, without any chance to get things straight. You know that things will get worse if you don't stay calm, but you can't help it.

A desperate rage comes over me, and the world turns into a colorless, black and white scenario with just very little light left. It gets harder to breathe, like a heavy weight has been put on my chest, and I literally want to kill someone. As if shedding someone else's blood could stop the unfathomable threat I am subjected to. There's no reasonable thinking.

It is very physical. And it is very dangerous. I hate it. I hate what the Black does to me, and I hate myself when it happens. It's a monster, existing somewhere inside of me, and the Black unleashes it.

I don't want to be a monster.

But as for Law, I was right, you know? He has a crush on you, or maybe he is even in love with you. I don't know. We don't talk about it, but I can see it. He's not doing well these days, and I know we should talk, but I'm still fighting the Black. I'm getting better at it, but there's no way I can sit down and have that conversation with him, now.

Is that jealousy? I don't know. I've never been jealous before. But he is so much better for you than I am, by all means. How the hell could I ever compete with Law?

He is so easy to be with; I don't even know why he is still single – apart from the fact that his crazy nephew is probably keeping him from having lady visitors. He never says that he regrets taking me in, but I'm quite sure he does. Sometimes, at least.

I'm running off track, right? Please be patient with me, I'm still practicing to write more consistently.

I just realized we made love five times that day.

Once in the morning, after I had almost scared you away with my stupid girlfriend question.

Then in my room... I never knew it could be like that. Maybe I will find the words one day to tell you what it was like for me. But I doubt it. It changed everything for me, it changed ME. And then I couldn't get enough of you. I couldn't get close enough to you. And for some unfathomable reason, you felt the same.

And then once again, after you'd met Lu (What was it with Lu anyway?) and I'd met Alice, in your bedroom.

Jesus Christ, five times in one day? That was five times more than I had ever been intimate that way with a woman before. To be honest, I had never been with a woman that way before.

I didn't tell you. I don't know, maybe you'd be uncomfortable, knowing you were my first?

I didn't want to stay that night, but I literally passed out in your bed. I was so exhausted from everything, the good and the bad events of that day. The sex, yes – that too. And the crying.

The crying was confusing. I never cry, not even when I was a child. At least I don't remember it. So this is new to me... The crying was very exhausting, physically and mentally. It wasn't good or bad. It was just somehow right. Like taking a shower though you don't feel it's necessary, but then you look at the turbid water running down the drain and you know it was about damn time to get rid of that shit.

It was dark when I woke up. You were sitting there like the night before, watching me. And there was my backpack next to you.

Instead of shaking me awake and sending me home, you drove to Park Road Village in the middle of the night to get my insulin. You had borrowed Alice's car and knocked Law out of his sleep to make sure we could wake up in each other's arms the next morning.

God, I loved you so much that it hurt.

x-x-x

Good things I skipped:

It was a good thing that the kid I had beaten to a pulp two years ago didn't die of his injuries.

If I had killed him, which had clearly been my intention, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. And I would, without any doubt, be in jail right now. Or maybe I would have killed myself. Either way, I never would have met you. So yes, I'm thankful he survived. Even though he was an asshole.

I love you, Annie.
And I'm getting better.

x-x-x

Wednesday, Sept. 23

(6 days ago)

For Annie.
My love.

We said goodbye at the station in the morning, and when I watched your train depart, it was like I would never see you again. I didn't tell you after, but I had a severe panic attack right there on the platform. It was bad. It was ridiculous. But there I was.

I wished you'd left me something of you, like a souvenir, something I could touch with my hands. Something to witness that you existed.

I mean, of course I knew you existed. But I couldn't feel you anymore; and I needed that. My newborn self needed guidance, needed you to be with me. I felt so exposed to everything. I was lost. I was disconnected. The fear was back in an instant, and it was worse than I remembered. I wanted my walls back, but none of my mental exercises would work.

I sat down on a bench, because my knees were shaking so badly, and stayed there, looking down at my shoes for thirty minutes or so, trying my best to shut the world out. As soon as I could trust my legs again I walked all the way back to your house. I needed to see it; I needed to touch the solid wall next to your front door to assure myself that the few last days hadn't been a dream.

I didn't tell you any of that, it was too embarrassing and I didn't want to creep you out. I stood there, with my hand on the wall, staring at your name next to the doorbell, like I was possessed. But it helped, touching and seeing some evidence that you were real. I took courage from it.

I know I said this would be my journal of good things. But it's not like I could just snap my fingers and everything becomes new and perfect. No, definitely not. There were several more relapses since Wednesday. But that first one hit me hard, I just hadn't expected it.

It was Alice who saved me. I heard someone call my name, and when I looked up, I saw her waving down from your balcony. I didn't recognize her at first, because she didn't have hair. She called down to me, asking whether I'd like to come upstairs. I nodded yes without thinking.

I didn't wonder what to say to Alice or why she was in your apartment in the first place. I didn't care about being late for work. I just knew that up there was my chance to make you even more real to me. Maybe I could find something to take with me, some small item I could borrow to help me make it through the day. Or maybe I could just collapse on your bed, blank out my brain and keep on inhaling your scent until you came home.

I stood in your living room like an idiot while Alice whirled around, talking nonstop. She almost looked like a man that day. Almost. She wore jeans and a wifebeater with a tight knot in the front so her belly was exposed. She had wrapped a bandana around her head. And of course she had hair, but it was ultra short. Still, her nails were bright red, and I'm sure she wore mascara too.

It was disturbing to look at her. I immediately steeled myself for the onslaught of static, all fake that she was. But there was none. She was genuine and pure. Absolute integrity. She didn't pretend, she just was. She was pink and yellow.

I didn't get a single word of what she was saying, I just stared at the colored dots as they dropped off her body with each of her dance-like gestures, leaving shimmering pink and yellow vapor trails in the air. They were brighter when she raised her voice in the middle of sentences, and seem to fall to the floor and bounce when she dropped the tone at the end, in that special lilt of hers.

I only noticed I was grinning at her when she suddenly put both of her hands on my shoulders and asked, 'See something you like, honey? Or what earned me that panty-dropping smile?'

I answered truthfully that I indeed liked what I saw. She responded with a high, clear laugh, and I joined in because the whole room exploded with pink and yellow sparks. She asked me whether I was sure that I was straight, and we laughed even more. It felt good to laugh. She said that you had asked her to paint your bedroom. I agreed to stay for awhile and lend a helping hand.

She is amazing, Annie - a happy pink and yellow person!

I was immediately comfortable around her, it was crazy. She told me that the first name in her passport was Eric, but she adopted the name Alice for her drag queen career, so she was Alice Northman now. She said Alice was her favorite character from Twilight. She winked at me as if we were partners in a giant conspiracy, and I pointed at the dog-eared book on your shelf and asked if this was it. She nodded yes, and I shrugged and said I didn't know anything about it.

She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. She was virtually scandalized that I hadn't read it. Then she kept on chattering like a wound-up toy for more than half an hour about vampires and wolves while I helped her cover the bedroom floor with a plastic tarp. I told her that I had tried to borrow your copy, but without success. She giggled and offered to lend me hers if I would help her to carry your couch downstairs, which she pointed out was now her couch, and I said, 'Deal!'

When we had managed to maneuver the black monster down the stairs and into Alice's place, I must have muttered something like, 'I wouldn't miss that thing and its noises'. Alice laughed, thrust a bucket of wall paint into each of my hands and told me that's exactly the reason why you didn't want it any more. Because of the noises.

I swear, my heart skipped a few beats.

And Alice had noticed it too. I saw it clicking in, and then she narrowed her eyes and whispered conspiringly, 'It is you, right? She gives her couch away because you don't like the noises.'

I knew she had to be right, but I was too dumbstruck to answer. I stared at the paint buckets in my hands and the big letters on their lids. 'Ultra Pure White'.

WHITE!

I had a sudden adrenaline rush.

Alice was dancing through her apartment, searching for something and giggling. Finally she returned to me, tucked a book under my arm and lightly patted my ass to indicate that we could go upstairs again now. I didn't even mind that it was a little too intimate of a gesture; I suddenly felt all pink and yellow myself.

I couldn't believe you were doing this. Was it about me? What did it mean – a place in your life?

Alice was positive about it. She said you had to be quite besotted with me if you already cared about species-appropriate keeping. I swear, those were her exact words.

I wanted to believe it too, because this was way better than just sneaking away with your pillow or something. Knowing that you were doing this for me carried me through the day.

It was a damn good thing.

Only comparable maybe to the moment when you surprisingly showed up in the middle of Lu's Lieder recital that night... your face, and the look in your eyes, when you watched me play the piano.

x-x-x

Good things I skipped:

It was a good thing that Law came into my life.

I never even knew that Mom had a younger brother until he suddenly was there to bail me out of jail. I wasn't very grateful. I didn't trust him, like I didn't trust anyone. He suddenly appeared out of nowhere and said he'd been rambling around for years, until the motorbike crash had put a sudden end to his globetrotter existence. The way he talked to everybody concerned with me and poked his nose into my records annoyed the shit out of me. He got me a lawyer, against my will, and somehow convinced the court to let me fulfill my charitable work at Park Road Village under his supervision.

Law is definitely a good thing that has happened to me. He is a good guy, and truth to be told, I don't know where I'd be now without his help. I never told him that. I guess I should. And yes, he believes in me too. Obviously. How could I not have seen this earlier?

I love you, Annie.
And I'm getting better.

x-x-x

Thursday, Sept. 24

(5 days ago)

For Annie.
My love.

I couldn't wait to finally pick you up at the train station on Thursday night.

However, it hadn't been as bad as the day before - no panic attacks. To a certain extent I had managed to put up my walls again while you were gone. But whereas I had found peace in that self-induced numbness in the past, I hated that feeling now.

I had used my lunch break to help Alice with the finishing touches in your bedroom. Some time midway, she officially offered me her friendship, like it was a contract I had to sign. And she sounded as if there was the term 'life long' somewhere in the small print. Regardless, I told her I'd be happy to call myself her friend. We hugged, and she said, 'It's ok, you and I are gonna be great friends.' When I left, I felt like I'd been extraordinarily social, and I was a little proud of myself.

A very unfamiliar feeling. But a good thing.

I got more and more anxious during the afternoon, but it was bearable. Law laughed at my nervous demeanor and prompted a mild episode of Black which almost made me lose my shit, but I fought it and stayed calm.

And then it was almost time. I headed for the station, only stopping once to collect what I had bought for you that morning, and then I waited on the platform for the best part of my day to begin.

Like always I could breathe easier as soon as I saw you. It was like when you have a nasty headache and you finally feel the pain meds set in. The tension that never left me in your absence decreased within seconds.

When you stepped off the train you hugged me and smiled at me. I opened wide and took all of you in, and it felt so much like home that I moaned with relief. You still wouldn't kiss me in public, but I didn't mind. I was just happy you were there. It was inebriating to have you back and be able to let my shield down. A good thing.

You demanded to know about the little box I was carrying but I told you it was a surprise and that you couldn't open it before we were at your place.

You said you had a surprise for me too. That was when I realized that you had no idea about Alice's and my collaboration on your bedroom renovation. With no experience whatsoever in receiving presents and surprises, I couldn't decide whether to tell you the truth or to play dumb. I didn't want to spoil the joyful anticipation that radiated from you and just hoped for my new friend Alice to handle the situation.

When we arrived at your place you dropped your bag and jacket and pinned me to the wall of your hallway, kissing, giggling and whispering to me how much you had missed me. You looked so confused when I pulled back and used my free arm to stop your more than welcome endearment.

I explained to you that what was in my box couldn't wait any longer, and you looked at me warily. I suddenly felt insecure about what I had bought for you. And then you said we should better get over with whatever it was, because you couldn't wait any longer either. You winked at me and we both laughed.

The laughing is almost as confusing as the crying. For the same reasons. I've never laughed so much in my life. But I can easily laugh with you. And well, with Alice too. It's a good thing.

When I unbolted Carlisle's cage and held the small box against the opening, your eyes widened and you breathed an excited 'Ohmygod'. You gasped when the young budgie hopped into the cage. I was beyond thrilled with your reaction. My heart was throbbing so loud, I was quite positive you could hear it.

After two more 'Ohmygods' you literally tackled me and threw your arms around me. You bombarded me with questions, without even leaving me enough time to answer, but I didn't complain. I was just watching you, enraptured and totally love drunk. I bit back the three words that wanted to burst out of me, because I knew they would probably put a sudden end to your enthusiasm. You insisted that I should think of a name for the bird, and I promised to come up with something, internally making a note to myself to check that Twilight book for a good name, because that would probably impress you.

No one in the room, however, was happier than Carlisle. He bolted to and fro on his perch, feathers ruffled, chirruping and nodding his little head frantically. His new mate shyly squatted in one corner, stiff and silent. But I knew she would be alright, she just needed time to adjust to the new situation. I felt for her though – I knew quite a bit about adjusting problems myself...

I had spent an hour in the pet shop, sitting in front of the aviary to pick the right one. When the irritated looking salesgirl came to ask me whether I actually intended to buy something or just wanted to fluster the birds, I had found the perfect pal for lonesome Carlisle. She had beautiful colors, on both counts. It was a good thing.

When you took my hand and said that now it was your turn, I got nervous again. I had relied on Alice to help me, but she wasn't there. You lead me to your bedroom and told me to close my eyes. I obeyed, still undecided what to do. I heard you open the door and then you hollered, 'Taadaa!'

I wanted to open my eyes, but I knew in an instant that my pathetic acting skills wouldn't fool you. When I was just about to spill, you shut me up with a kiss, and said, 'Thank you for helping to turn my bedroom into a screen.'

I looked up and found myself in a room, different from the one that I had left earlier that day. The walls were not only white, they were blank now. The framed posters I had hung up a few hours ago, were gone. The broad wardrobe was hidden behind a white curtain, and so was the window. A white rug covered the floor, and white cloths cloaked the nightstands.

You clapped your hands like a little girl and explained to me between giggles that Alice had called you yesterday as soon as I had left your apartment, and that she'd told you everything. So you two had hatched a plot to surprise me nonetheless.

I was speechless, and pretty much remained speechless for the rest of the night. But I need to tell you now how incredible this gift of yours is. You made room for me in your life, for my true self. Not only do you tolerate who I am, you embrace me. I can not thank you enough.

I should have told you right away, but you snatched the white blanket off the bed and pulled me into the living room, leaving me no time to compose myself. You spread the blanket on the floor, right where the couch used to be. And when you undressed, explaining something about 'fresh color' and 'evaporation' and not 'ready for use yet', the only thing I could still articulate was your name. And it was a good thing.

Three good things actually, as the night progressed.

I guess I just started to develop a sense of humor? What do you think?

God, I miss you. Every single moment, I feel your absence physically.
I'm counting the hours.

x-x-x

Good things I skipped:

It is a good thing that my probation will end in 99 days.

I never thought about what to do with my life once I'd be free to go wherever I want. I didn't expect that 'freedom' to last long anyway. It's always been just a matter of time for the Black to fuck things up again, so why make plans?

That too has changed. It's scary though, because I honestly have no fucking idea what to do with my life. But I want to try to become the good person you mistakenly already think I am. So doing something that has a meaning is certainly going to be a part of it.

I love you, Annie.
And I'm getting better.

x-x-x

Friday, Sept. 25

(4 days ago)

For Annie.
My love.

I woke up in a silly sentimental mood on Friday morning. Don't laugh... I thought, 'anniversary'. Ok, laugh! I know...

It's a week now. I can't believe it is just a week now. It feels like you've been in my life forever. In my life and in my heart. MY heart? Fuck, my heart isn't mine at all. No more. Is there such a thing like phantom heart pain? If so, that's what I feel when you're not with me.

That night in the park... god, you scared me to death. I never really talked to you about it, right?

From the moment I got off the train, I knew you were following me, but I had no idea why. First, I thought you were maybe a relative of someone I had messed up or maybe a PI. My paranoid self gave me the craziest of ideas, and things were starting to get black. I knew I should have run to not make things worse, but I couldn't. I was in full Black mode when I stopped and waited for you to appear; I was so angry! All I could think was, who is doing this to me, and why?

And then you just said 'Hi!', and for a second you sort of flared up; a warm and bright yellow spot in midst of my raging Black. Sparkled up and died down in a blink. I wasn't even sure I had actually seen it. And most certainly, I hadn't allowed myself to see anything like that.

I asked you whether you were following me, and when you said yes, it happened again. And this time it didn't fade. You were glowing like a campfire in the darkest of night. That was the moment when I realized that I was unshielded – against my will. You had unshielded me!

I nearly attacked you physically, demanding to know WHY? Yes, my question was not about the reason why you'd followed me; it was about why – and how! - you'd ripped away my walls.

Then I think I sort of growled at you? You were scared, but your colors only brightened more the closer I got to you. I would have hurt you in my anger, Annie, badly – but I couldn't bring myself to destroy the beautiful bright spot that was you.

I didn't even want to see it, I didn't want to read you, but there was no escape. It's not like those things would disappear when I close my eyes, you know, and my walls lay in ruins around my feet. I had no defense for you from the very first moment.

And then all I could sense was your Want. The campfire turned into a giant, engulfing wave of heat. It washed over me and everything was pulsating, yellow, orange, red, violet... all black was gone. And you were so pure; your Want was so pure. No hidden intentions, no pretending, just Want. And you said what you wanted, and you did what you wanted. No static.

I was floating on the wave of your Want for me. Without anger, without fear.

Can you imagine what it was like for me? Probably not. Were you even aware of the nature of your Want in that very moment? It wasn't just physical, though the red stream was pretty dominant. But there was more. You wanted all of me then. The wave carried devotion, protection, possessiveness, freedom... and yes, love.

You made me feel like someone who could be loved. I was your child, your brother, your lover, your mate. It was overwhelming, I almost passed out. I gave up fighting it, I just fell. And you caught me.

I know I acted like a moron. Hell, I came in my pants like a fourteen year old. And then I somehow jolted out of my rapture and I panicked. This couldn't be true, this couldn't be happening. So I ran.

I didn't even make it to the gate of Park Road Village before I broke down and threw up on the sidewalk, shaking and heaving. I know that sounds terrible, but I was in shock. I had fled you, but Annie – all I wanted to do was turn around and run back to you and feel that Want again. I wanted to give myself to you... my heart, body and soul. I wanted to give you power over me.

But you couldn't be meant for me. From all I thought I knew, this could only end badly, do you know what I mean? Does this make any sense? I didn't believe in the good things. I got angry again, because I couldn't understand why fate would be so cruel to tempt me with a glimpse of something I - as a matter of fact - could never have.

I tried to put my disentangled self together again. I tried for two days. But it didn't work anymore.

With some effort, I finally managed to reinstall a few mental filters. Yes - not everything I'd learned in my therapies was crap; some exercises had proven themselves to be quite useful. But you? I couldn't get you out of my system. You had ripped me open, and it was as if a huge hole had been punched through my chest. Phantom heart pain.

I really wasn't hoping for anything, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, or eat, or even breathe easy again until I'd seen you and talked to you again.

I'm so glad I did.

If there's any good thing I can claim for myself, that it was my persistence to talk to you.

We christened your new screen bedroom on our anniversary Friday. Making love to you is still like drowning. A beautiful death; a glorious heaven. You consume me entirely. You own me, and yet I've never felt such freedom with anyone.

When I was holding you afterward, the both of us blissfully worn out, I said those three words again. I just had to. And though you didn't say them back – I swear, if I wasn't the pathetic loser I am, if I had anything to offer at all, I would have asked you to marry me.

Yes, I want to be yours forever.

I already am.

x-x-x

Good things I skipped:

Lucy.

She is a real good friend. I always thought she's just able to cope with me because she's crazy herself. Because she is. Crazy, but in a good way. It's like nothing could ever be too weird to surprise her. She takes things as they are. But she sees things in a different way too. Like seeing through things. She made me play the piano again. She said my hands were meant for more than just cleaning bedpans in the hospital ward. Lu is one more person who believed in me when I didn't. I guess I need to apologize to quite a few people.

I love you, Annie.
And I'm getting better.

x-x-x

Saturday, Sept. 26

(3 days ago)

For Annie.
My love.

This entry is an epic setback in my journal of the good things. Once again, I fucked things up. I'm not even capable of holding it together for a single week. All I can say is: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I yelled at you, for my impatience, my temper. I'm so sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

But Annie, you were wrong... so wrong!

x-x-x-x-x

(to be continued...)

18. Girls

2011-06-22T02:14:00.000-07:00

I'm a lucky girl, I found my friend

I've been all around the world
Mission Impossible
Chasing the rainbow's end
Wise guys, shy guys
And sly lover boys with big bad bedroom eyes ...
I never loved a man I trusted as far as I could pitch my shoe
'Til I loved you

"Lucky Girl"

(Joni Mitchell)

When I was a girl, I had always taken it for granted that one day I'd be a famous artist. A painter, a writer, or both. Childhood was a time of miracles and wonders, and I pictured myself writing an epic romantic novel of such stunning beauty that no one would be able to elude its truth and power.

When I was that little girl, the idea of a middle class, middle-aged single woman writing captions for paparazzi photos of celebs caught in the act, certainly had never crossed my mind.

Like most adults, I couldn't remember when or why that magic had disappeared. And like most adults, I never even noticed it was missing - except for those very rare, often bitter-sweet moments when something truly inspiring would unexpectedly remind me.

That day in the white room, after Kiddo's vehement sobbing had been replaced by occasional sniffles and resolved into even breathing, I was reminded. A brief blaze of that long gone magic inside of me made me feel young and inspired to accomplish something of great significance in my life. For a second, I was convinced I could still write that one world-shattering story about love...

We didn't move. We didn't talk. We just remained lying there in each other's embrace, still and just being. Two entangled bodies, skin on skin, breathing in measures, heartbeats rhyming, blood humming in tune, while time seemed to be ticking away in perfect quarter notes.

All fears gone.
Peace.

Later, when the light slowly turned into the soft glow of a September afternoon, every now and then a finger caressed a temple or a collarbone, or gently tamed a renegade strand of hair. Hands slowly slid along the curves of a naked form, stroking a thigh, cupping a breast, grazing the nape of a neck. One pair of eyes found another, and a silent promise passed between them.

All defenses down.
Trust.

A leg was hitched up. A pair of lips reluctantly approached its counterpart. Mouths and tongues met to explore and worship each other's taste and texture. Blood rose to the surface of skin in a flush, moisture swelled between thighs, and flesh pulsated.

All restraints forgotten.
Passion.

We made love two more times that day in the white room. The first time, I pulled him on top of me and guided him to my wetness. He took me hard, almost aggressively. He kept looking into my eyes, and when I came, he groaned, "I love you..." Those were the only words spoken in hours. A few seconds later, he cried out my name and spilled himself inside of me.

We both dozed off after that, apparently. I don't remember when and how. Time had lost its meaning. But I remember waking up to his hand fondling me, and his mouth kissing and licking the sensitive area between my shoulder blades. I pushed back against him, and he slid inside of me with ease. This time, he was very gentle about it. His hips moved in slow circles, and right next to my ear he kept on whispering my name like it was his mantra. He reached around me to rub my clit. When I cried out during my orgasm, he clutched my hips, pounded into me twice and then moaned at length with his own release.

The shadow from the cross window was long and pale on the white floor boards when we got up in silence and put our clothes back on; kissing and touching each other casually in the process.

x-x-x-x-x

With his hand hovering over the electric door opener, Kiddo hesitated for a moment. He looked down at me, delighting me with his best smirk. "Are you sure you're ready for this? Some of them are a little... weird."

I turned to the door in an attempt to see anything through the frosted glass, pointlessly. "What do you mean – weird?"

Kiddo chuckled, and took my hand. "Come on," he said, "we better get done with this if we want to make it out of here before it gets dark." When he pushed the button, the double door swung open into a large solarium, which seemed to be the lounge and lobby of Park Road Village, and apparently a popular granny hangout.

Between potted palms, the female residents sat in small groups of three or four each at round tables, chatting away. Some were reading, some busied their hands with needlework. The tabletops were crowded with teapots and cups, spectacle cases, backgammon boards and playing cards. The air was soaked with Eau de Cologne, Broken Orange Pekoe and the sound of a gaggle of geese.

"It's only 20 steps to the exit." Kiddo squeezed my hand assuringly, and he snickered, "Well, theoretically."

And then it happened...

A portly lady with a disturbing purple poodle hairdo was the first to spot us, and after a remarkably short reaction time, she dropped her knitting needles, threw her bulky arms up in the air and squealed,

"EDWARD!"

All heads turned to where Kiddo and I were standing, and then all hell broke loose. Chairs scraped over floor tiles, books clapped shut and cups landed on their saucers, clattering. And everyone called across each other...

"...aww... it's Edward..." - "...dear boy..." - "...come over here, darling..." - "...it's Edward., Charlotte..!" -"...is that your girlfriend...?" - "...we missed you, sweetheart..." - "...you've been very naughty, leaving us guessing for two days..." - "...give an old lady a hug, sweetie..." - "...won't you introduce that lovely young lady to us, Edward...?" - "...it's Edward, Charlotte, look..." - "...my dear chap..." - "...dammit, Charlotte, switch your hearing-aid on...!" - "...the boy is back..." - "...oh, Edward..."

That was the moment I realized that I wasn't ready for this at all, and the exit door on the other side of the lobby became really appealing. Kiddo gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry," he said, "I think I should... I'll be right back." He let go of my hand and walked over to the bedlam, where he was hugged and patted and welcomed like the prodigal son.

This wasn't a retirement home lounge - this was the Edward Grey Fanclub Headquarters! I smiled constrainedly and acknowledged the gazes that turned to me frequently with polite nods. Kiddo distributed pecks, smiles and flatteries as if they were candies. 'The old ladies kinda like me,' he had said yesterday. Well, that was the understatement of the century. They treated him like he was a pop star, they celebrated him...

...like he was Robert Pattinson, for crying out loud!

Kiddo threw me a brief glance and shrugged. Laughing, he ducked away under a hand that reached out to ruffle his hair. Then he bent down to a white-haired, incredibly small and skinny lady in a wheelchair. She had to be 90, minimum, and was the only one who hadn't joined in the granny fangirl screaming by now. I watched in puzzlement, as she cupped Kiddo's cheeks with her frail, arthritic hands and kissed him firmly, right on the mouth. When she released him, she raised her arms as if looking for applause. And actually, a few handclaps could be heard, along with some oh's and aw's. It was surreal. But it was also touching; the fragile silent lady beamed with joy.

"It's a hell of a show, isn't it?" A deep voice suddenly spoke behind me and I almost jumped. I turned around to look into a pair of bright blue eyes, smirking at me out of a tanned, wrinkled face under a broad-brimmed stray hat. Two thin, accurately done braids of grey hair framed her cheeks, together with the white chords of earplugs. They belonged to an iPod which was taped to the horizontal bar of her walking frame with a piece of adhesive bandage.

"Pardon?" I stammered.

The old woman pulled the earphones out of her ears and let them drop onto her freckle-littered and remarkably low-cut décolleté. "I said," she repeated, "it's a hell of a show, isn't it? You will be the talk of the week, just so you know. Are you a relative of our Edward?"

Oh... 'your' Edward, it is?

"No, I'm not." I said, "We're friends."

"Friends?" Her eyebrows went up so high that the hat was tilted back. "How come I don't know you?"

What the fuck...?

I should have told her to mind her own business, but for some reason I felt annoyingly intimidated by the astute lady. "We just met, so we're um... new friends."

She leaned forward on her walker, and laid a multi-ringed hand on my shoulder. I could hear the treble version of 'California Dreaming' frizzle out of the dangling earbuds, as she whispered into my ear, "Listen, little lady – I have no idea what you're pulling off here, but I tell you this: I feel very protective about that kid. I know he is quite a cutie who can make your most precious parts tingle, but just in case you haven't noticed yet, he isn't playing in your age group. So I will keep an eye on you, do you get me?"

Before I could lift my jaw off the floor again and even think about a proper retort, she shoved herself past me and whooped, "Edward! What took you so long? Did you donate a kidney?"

"And what if I did? Would it save me from your devastating wrath?" Finally released by the fangirls, Kiddo walked towards us.

"Not really. Because I like to kiss and make up," the woman chuckled and pulled him into a tight hug, "Come here, Kiddo..."

Come here, K... what?

"I see you've met my friend Annie already?" he said as they let go of each other.

"Well, we didn't quite make it to the point of a real introduction yet – ts, ts, ts..." The braids swung from side to side as she shook her head, "Where are my manners? I'm Edward's friend, Lucy. You can call me Lu. Glad to meet you."

I took the hand she was offering, and answered as pointedly as she had done, "I'm Edward's friend, Annie, and I'm glad to meet you too. Unfortunately, Edward and I were just about to leave, so..."

Kiddo gaped first at me, then at lunatic Lucy, then back at me. He blinked a few times.

Yeah, synesthetisize that!

"Awww... too bad indeed," Edward's friend Lucy purred, "You need to visit me next time you come here, for tea and some nice girl talk, what do you think?" Not waiting for my answer, she turned to Edward. "See you later then? Don't forget our date tomorrow."

"I won't," he promised, and they hugged again.

Lucy glanced sideways at me as she patted his back and said, "You're looking good, Kiddo, a bit of happiness suits you. Take care, ok?" Then she released him, put her earphones back on and swung the walker around. With a final wave of her hand, she moved away from us, singing loudly...

"...and the sky is grey, and the sky is greeeey, California Ca-li-for-nia dreaming on such a winter's day, such a winter's daaay..."

"She's terribly out of tune," I stated, not only referring to her singing.

Kiddo nodded thoughtfully, "I know."

"Why does she call you Kiddo?"

"Why do you?"

I snorted.

"Come on," he said, "let me walk you home."

x-x-x-x-x

Leaning against the front door of my house, I blindly fumbled for the keys, while Kiddo and I were kissing goodbye for the fourth or fifth time. Well, I wasn't really counting. "Will I see you tomorrow?" he asked, and gingerly sucked at my bottom lip.

"Mm-hm," I answered, returning the favor. I finally got a hold of the keys and pulled them out.

He rubbed his nose against mine. "Ok, I'll pick you up at the station, if that's ok with you... oh, fuck!"

I winced. "What?"

"I promised Lucy to... I can't come, I have an appointment tomorrow night. I'm going to help Lucy with her Lieder recital."

"Oh," I said. I didn't like the thought of not seeing Kiddo the whole day. It was kind of frightening how much I didn't like that thought. "Why don't you come in and... stay?"

His eyes lit up. "You want me to?" I nodded, smiling at him. "God, Annie, like you'd have to ask..." he sighed and pulled me close. His hips crashed into mine, and what I could feel there left no room for questions. After we had kissed hello again for the fourth or fifth time – I still wasn't counting - he suddenly stopped, a little breathless, and moaned, "I can't stay, dammit. I didn't bring my backpack."

Fucking son of a backpack bitch!

"Fuck!" was all I could say, disappointment washing through me.

"Exactly." he chuckled, "You have a way with words, Annie."

"You can come in and stay for a bit though, right? And then go home and check your blood sugar and everything, right? Next time you bring extra insulin and gear and we'll store it in my fridge."

What are you talking about, Portman? You might as well ask him to move in right away, with that!

Kiddo had caught my slip, too. He looked at me incredulously for a few seconds, but then a genuine smile lit up his face. "That's a good idea, I think. And I'd love to stay with you for a while tonight."

"Ok." I turned around to open the door, but I was a bit shaky and had trouble getting the key into the lock. On top of that, Kiddo's hands were grazing my hips from behind and I could feel his erection press against my ass, which was a little distracting, to put it mildly. When the lock finally clicked open, he snickered into the nape of my neck and his hot breath made me shiver.

As soon as we stumbled inside, Kiddo let go of me with a gasp and stiffened. The ground floor apartment door was wide open, and a treacly voice lilted, "Annie, daaarling...!"

I shook my head with a sigh, but smiling. "Nice to see you too, doll. Can I help you with anything?"

Instead of an answer, the doll from apartment No1 winked at me, gave Kiddo a wistful once-over and purred, "Helloooo, gorgeous...!"

"Oh, please..." I couldn't help but giggle, "Edward, meet my naughty neighbor, Alice – Alice, this is my friend Edward. Behave yourself girl, ok?"

"If you insist...," Alice said, the cherry red lips pouting.

Kiddo was staring at the hummingbird-like vision in front of him. Actually, he was gaping, taking in Alice's appearance, from the shiny black wig and the screaming rainbow make-up, over the tight satin corset and the matching panties, down to her net stockings and purple patent leather heels. The poor boy looked like he needed to be rescued from sensory overload.

No synesthesia here, Kiddo – I see it too. It's just Alice.

Handing him my apartment key, I said, "Why don't you go upstairs and make yourself at home? I'll be with you in a sec." Kiddo took the key, turned on his heels and hastily moved for the stairs.

Halfway up, his usually polite demeanor got the better of him, and he paused. Bending over the stair-rail, he nodded towards Alice and said, "Nice to meet you. Um... bye." And off he went.

Alice looked at me with eyes as big as fried eggs and mouthed, "Oh. My. God... cuuute!"

"Hands off, Alice! And calm down, ok?" I rolled my eyes, "I need to ask you a favor..."

"Anytime, darling, you know that. But first you need to tell me what the hell you did to James; the poor hottie is inconsolable! Did you break up with him or something? Is it because of that breathtaking slice of cream tart waiting for you upstairs? Jesus, where did you find him, and are there more of his kind? And did you notice that baby doll had a boneroni when he looked at me? Ay chihuahua! Annie, did you see that bulge? I swear, my own middle leg was just about to-"

"Alice!" I grabbed the square shoulders in front of me and shook them. A very effective maneuver if you need to shut up a wired drag queen.

"Wha-ha-hat?" she demanded, holding on to her wig as I rattled her.

"Calm the fuck down, or else I'll call you Eric!" I hissed.

"No, you won't!"

"Don't dare me! Jesus Christ, yes, I saw the... bulge. And it was already there before we came inside, so no need to wet your panties, ok?"

"It was... bef...? Holy Judy!" Theatrically, Alice clutched her chest with both hands. "So it is true what James said, my beloved fruit fly is a cougar and proud of it? And that adorable cupcake upstairs is your-"

"Eric!" This time I shouted, and Alice winced. She held both hands up in defense, nodding frantically, and then she pretended to lock her mouth and threw an invisible key over her shoulder.

"You wanted to ask me a favor, darling?" she twittered, batting her fake lashes.

I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched my nose between my thumb and index finger, internally counting to ten. Apparently, Tom had been pretty informational in my absence. I made a note to myself to have a very serious conversation with him, in the very near future. I couldn't let him run around and tell the tale of Annie and her violent boy toy. Especially now that I knew about Kiddo's probation.

"Annie? Are you ok, darling?"

"Yes," I patted Alice's cheek, "I was just thinking... did James say anything else? Anything remarkable?"

"I thought everything he said was pretty remarkable, to be honest. He almost burst out in tears, I tell you. Said you dropped him for a super young lover, practically a kid. I couldn't believe it, so..."

"So you decided to sit in ambush to see if I'd bring him home, yes?" Alice blushed, and I chuckled silently. "You are incredible."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but oh..." she literally jumped up and down, "it is true, and he is such a Baldwin. Nice pecs underneath that shirt. And he almost looks like Rob!" The way she said it, it sounded like Rawwb. "What's the name of Mr. Sex-on-legs, huh?"

"Alice! I just introduced you to each other, didn't you pay attention?"

"No, I was bliss-tracted. Is his hair as soft as it looks?"

I sighed, "His name is Edward."

"GAHHHHHH!"

I pressed my hand on her mouth before my ears would start to bleed from her piercing, high-pitched squeal. Alice's eyes made a serious attempt to pop out of her head – thankfully, three to four layers of clotty mascara kept them in place.

"Hif mame if Ebwarb? E lookf like Rawwb and hif mame if Ebwarb?" she mumbled into my palm. I removed my hand, and she gasped, "No shit?"

"No shit," I confirmed.

Anyone who thinks Twilight fangirls were crazy, has clearly never met a gay Twihard! Alice had taken off her wig and now used it to fan herself as she kept on chanting quietly, "ohmygod... ohmygod... ohmygod..."

I rolled my eyes. "Ok, listen..." I started, trying to ignore her dramatic performance, "Are you still lusting for my couch?"

Alice froze, and her voice dropped two octaves which made her disconcertingly sound like Russell Crowe. "Are we talking about THE couch? The couch that I was willing to part with my left nut for, if you'd only agreed to sell it to me? Designer couch, single item, black leather?"

"Yes. Still want it?"

"What has happened to 'only over my dead body'?"

"I changed my mind. It is... it makes noises. Do you want it, yes or no?"

Alice looked at me suspiciously with narrowed eyes, swinging her wig in small circles, thinking. I started to get impatient and sighed with ostentation.

"Ok," she said. "Tell me when and where, and who I'm supposed to kill, and we have a deal."

"No corpses. I want you to help me redecorate my bedroom, that's all." Alice's eyebrows went up, and her mouth formed a surprised 'oh'. "I want you to paint it, to be more precise," I explained, "Can you do that?"

"Of course, darling, I'd love to! Is it for your new young-?"

"Can you keep your dirty thoughts to yourself?" I cut her off.

"Sure, sure. Just tired of the vanilla walls, huh? Ok, what are we going to do... purple? Dark blue? Or..." she waggled her brows, "...a sexy wine red?"

"White, Alice. I want them white."

17. The things you can't google

2011-06-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

Love - we can't live without it

Why do we go out and get it, just to turn around and doubt it?
Like we're scared to care - it's hard to talk about it
Aw... it's only a dance
Tonight the shadows had their say
There's a sucker born a day, I heard them say, born to lose
Am I a sucker to love you?

"Sweet Sucker Dance"

(Joni Mitchell)

Upper lip, bottom lip. My lips had kept each other company all my life, together in perfect harmony. I never knew a pair of lips could feel lonely until Kiddo cupped my face and gently pressed his lips on mine to complete them. They gave in to his kiss without hesitation, parting all too willingly. His tongue swept against mine, not invading but wooing, almost shy, asking for permission. And it was granted, with all my heart.

"Thank you," he whispered, pausing just long enough to get those two words out.

For what?

I meant to ask it aloud, but I felt too inebriated to speak. The kiss was tender and sweet, and right now I didn't care enough for an answer to break it. His thumbs caressed my cheeks; his fingers brushed the sensitive spots behind my ears. I blissfully sighed into his breath.

"Thank you for forgiving me," he answered my unspoken question as his mouth brushed along my jaw. I wanted to turn my head in an attempt to couple my lips with his again, but my neck was like jelly in his hands. Bending me into shape at his convenience, he kissed my cheek, my temple, my earlobe, and breathed against my ear, "I'm so thankful you're here. I'm so god-awfully thankful you didn't run away, Annie."

I staggered a little and stumbled against his chest. One of his hands quickly went to the small of my back, steadying me. "What... hey, don't fall!"

I fall for you, Kiddo...

"Sorry," I mumbled. With my nose in the dent between his collarbones, I inhaled deeply, delighted with his scent, and giggled. He kissed the top of my head. "I got you, Annie. Are you drunk?"

Punch drunk. Love drunk.

"Beer," I said. Though I knew it wasn't because of the alcohol in my system. This was different. I was getting high on his pure presence and drunk on his ministrations. As if the few hours away from him had zeroed any desensitization to his touch I might have gained during the last two days. His hands and his mouth were poison and medicine all at once, intoxicating and healing. He was…

… like a drug to me. My own, personal brand of heroin.

I felt him shaking his head, and he snorted, "Law!"

"Yes," I said, "he was so warm..." Kiddo stiffened. "It!" I hastily clarified, "I meant 'it' – the beer, it was warm!" Kiddo relaxed.

I felt his head move again, this time he nodded yes. With his face still nestled in my hair, he said, "The fridge is broken." And after a moment, he added, "This is a weird conversation."

"Yes, it is." I answered, and the next moment we both shook with suppressed laughter.

I looked up at him, and when I saw the smile in his beautiful face, the words slipped out from me before I knew it, "I missed you."

His smile faltered and he blinked a few times, just as surprised as I was about my confession. Then his green eyes grew soft; he exhaled loudly and pulled me into a tight embrace. "Annie, I... God, I missed you too!"

Immediately, I felt less like a ragdoll in his arms. My body finally remembered there were arms attached to it too, and knew how to use them. I hugged him back, happily.

Now... am I being good to him, or what?

x-x-x-x-x

"Whatever it says, just know, it is ten times worse. I'm a freak even among the freaks."

I let go of Kiddo's laptop and threw my hands up in the air, moaning in mock exasperation, "God, give me a break of that 'freak' shit, will you?" I turned my head to where his chin rested on my shoulder. "Really, it gets boring!"

He took a deep breath. "Can I have an 'ok'?" I asked, hands still up in the air.

"Ok." he said. I leaned back into his chest, reached over my shoulders to pull his head down for a kiss.

"You're not a freak. And now let's get over with this," I said firmly. Then I resumed typing the word 'synesthesia', and hit 'enter'.

After I had filled him in on what Law basically had disclosed to me, Kiddo had been surprisingly calm. He seemed relieved, for whatever reason. Maybe it was because it saved him from telling me those unpleasant stories himself, or maybe it was because hearing about his fucked-up childhood and his current legal problems hadn't scared me away; I couldn't tell. I was just glad that he was cool about it, for a change.

It wasn't even my idea to finally Google his condition. It was him who insisted on doing it. He wanted to get everything straight, or so he had said.

And I am here to be good to him, right?

So here we were. Failing to find any appropriate furnishing for two people to sit, we had settled on Kiddo's bed. He was leaning against the headboard; I was sitting between his slightly bent legs, with my back against his chest and his laptop on my knees. His hands rested on my waist, and as the Wikipedia website popped open on the screen, his thumbs nervously started to draw small circles on my hipbones.

I skimmed through the first paragraph quickly; I wasn't very interested in learning about the Greek origin of the word. There was also an illustration, showing multi-colored letters and numbers. The caption said this might be how a person with synesthesia would perceive them. I pointed at it, but before I could even ask, Kiddo shook his head and said, "Kid stuff!"

I scrolled thru the next paragraph that mainly dealt with the 'kid stuff' form of synesthesia, but got stuck when the article pointed out the difference between the neurological synesthesia that was supposed to be genetic, and an acquired condition that could arise after drug abuse, a stroke or temporal lobe epilepsy.

Again Kiddo seemed to sense what's on my mind. "Genetic," he croaked.

"So it's always been like that? As long as you remember?" I asked.

"Always," he answered.

I nodded and kept on reading, getting more and more confused. This was seriously some scientific shit, and it didn't help me to understand kiddo's particular situation any better. I was getting impatient, but just when I was about to utter my discomfort, I found the following:

'Synesthetes often report that they were unaware their experiences were unusual until they realized other people did not have them, while others report feeling as if they had been keeping a secret their entire lives...'

I remembered what Law had told me and began to understand how hurtful it must have been for the child to discover that he was not only different, but that his being different was considered to be wrong, and even worse: his own fault! I could see his ongoing hard effort to keep it a secret, and it saddened me. Without thinking I reached behind myself to stroke his hair. He sighed. Without a word he brought his hand up and put it on mine on the track pad, guiding my fingers to scroll further down the page. When he stopped and highlighted one single sentence, I read:

'Most synesthetes report that their experiences are pleasant or neutral, although, in rare cases, synesthetes report that their experiences can lead to a degree of sensory overload.'

"Sensory overload?" I asked, "Is that what you are afraid of, when we..." He nodded yes. "And that 'black' thing, when you lose your temper? Sensory overload, too?" Another nod. "Edward, all this is still so confusing, I don't know if I really understand what it is like for you."

His fingers on mine started to move again. This time the cursor on the screen stopped at a paragraph about the various forms of synesthesia; the part he highlighted was headed 'sound/color synesthesia'. This was it?

'...something like fireworks: voice, music, and assorted environmental sounds such as clattering dishes or dog barks trigger color and simple shapes that arise, move around, and then fade when the sound stimulus ends. For some, the stimulus type is limited (e.g., music only, or even just a specific musical key); for others, a wide variety of sounds triggers synesthesia.
Sound often changes the perceived hue, brightness, scintillation, and directional movement. Some individuals see music on a "screen" in front of their face...'

I stopped reading and pointed a finger at the paragraph in question, "Is it like that?"

"Worse," he answered, "but yes, pretty much like that. When I keep it under control, that is."

Relieved that he finally had found his voice again, I clapped the computer shut. I was fed up with all that scientific gobbledygook anyway. "But how do you control it? They say," I tapped on the laptop lid, "those perceptions are completely involuntary!"

"They are wrong," he stated adamantly. "I told you, I'm a fr... special case."

I didn't need to look at him to know that he was frowning his 'special case' frown now. But if he thought he could fall back into his goddamn annoying self-loathing just like that, he didn't know me very well. I was not going to have that. I put the computer aside and turned around, positioning my legs over his and interlacing my fingers in the nape of his neck. "To me, you are a special case for sure, and not in a bad way at all," I told him, smiling. "You know that, right?"

His brows remained furrowed.

Oh come on, Kiddo!

"Can I have a smile, please?" I cooed, wrapping my legs around his hips. "In exchange for a kiss, maybe?" Reluctantly, as if against his will, one corner of his mouth curled up.

There we go!

I didn't know where this girlish tease persona suddenly came from, but if that's what was needed to get what I wanted, I was willing to just blame it on Law's warm beer and bat my lashes all day, if necessary. "That's so much better," I said softly, and leaned forward to kiss him. God, I loved to kiss him! His hands were stroking my thighs, and the familiar heat started to build, not only in my stomach but also...

Focus, Portman!

I pulled my head back a little to break the kiss before I lost my ability to think, and whispered, "Not all of your synesthetic sensations are unpleasant, right?" He licked his lips before he answered, "Right."

I kissed his neck, right under his chin, "Like this, for example... does it have a color?"

He moaned quietly. "No, it is... it has a sound."

I let my hands glide down to his chest, placing more open-mouthed kisses on his neck. "A sound then," I mumbled as I started to unbutton his shirt, "is it a nice one?"

He closed his eyes, and his breath quickened. "Yes, it is." The first button was open.

Without taking my mouth off his skin, I opened button No 2. "But no color, huh? That's too bad, don't you think?" I shoved my hips a bit forward. "What was it the last time, violet? I like violet," I purred and proceeded with button No 3.

His eyes fluttered open. "Please don't do this to me," he sighed, but his body offered no resistance whatsoever. His hands had made it to my waist by now, and he was stroking my ribs with his thumbs.

"Why not?" I asked, finishing button No 4. "Give up control, just for a moment, will you?" And feeling like a true minx, I added pointedly, "LOVE?"

Immediately, his grip on my waist tightened, and he let go a deep groan. "God, Annie... stop. You don't know what you're asking."

I pulled his now open shirt out of his pants, and slowly kissed a path down from his chest to his toned stomach, whispering against his skin, "Why is this so hard for you? What do you need to do in order to put the walls down?"

"Nothing. Just quit the effort to keep them up," he murmured. His chest was heaving. I stopped the kissing and straightened myself to look at him in disbelieve. "That's it? That is all?"

"But I can't, Annie. I will hurt you or… I don't know. It's impossible, I just can't do this." He seemed so very troubled, my girlish playfulness dissolved into thin air. Apparently disgusted with himself, he made a move to lift me off of him. I grabbed both his hands, trying to stop him, and after a small brawl he gave up and slumped against the backrest. "Annie, please…"

He wriggled one hand free from my grip to rub his face and rake through his hair, but his other hand held on tight to mine. He was shaking, or actually more like vibrating, his breath rapid and shallow. I couldn't imagine what he was dreading. "Edward, talk to me."

He kept his eyes on our hands, as he interlaced his fingers with mine, and croaked, "I have no defense for you anyway, Annie. It's such a fine line that keeps me from sensory overload when I'm with you. I'm afraid to lose control. I'm afraid to lose myself altogether, and-"

"But that's how it's supposed to be, don't you know that?" I leaned forward to make him look at me. "It's all about losing yourself, giving up control, and giving yourself away… to the feeling, to the person you're making love to."

He let out a shaky breath, "I don't think I can do that."

"Won't you just try? For me?" He closed his eyes and his forehead crumpled as if he was in pain. "What if we go very slow, step by step?" I suggested. "You don't need to do anything, just relax and let me do all the work, ok?"

A shiver went through his body. "God Annie, I wish I could."

"I know you can. You say that sounds are the strongest trigger? I will not say a single word, I won't make any noises, I promise. I'll just touch you, and..."

I can do that... I think?

"...you can tell me if it is too much. Or you can tell me to stop altogether, at any point."

He kept his eyes closed. A single tear ran from the corner of one eye and down his cheek, as he nodded yes. I gingerly kissed it away. "Don't be afraid," I whispered.

And please... please, don't cry!

It broke my heart to see him like that. In this moment, I wanted nothing more than to take his pain away and to make him feel free. Free of fear. Free of guilt. Free of restraint. I wanted him to be free to feel pleasure, to feel wanted and special in a good way. I wanted him happy.

I kissed the hand that was still interlaced with mine. "Let go for a moment, I need to lock the door, but I'll be right back, ok?" He did as I had said, and I climbed off the bed. As I crossed the snowscape of his room, a bright red spot on the white desk caught my attention. Kiddo's notebook. Its red cover seemed to be screaming at me, as though trying to tell me something important. And when I turned the key in the door that was green only from the outside, but as white from the inside as everything else in this place, it hit me.

I turned around. "Edward?" He opened his eyes, and I spread my arms in a gesture that enclosed the whole room, "Why is everything white in here anyway?" He didn't answer at once, so I slowly walked back to the bed, holding his gaze. "It is a screen, isn't it? This whole room is a screen!" I sat down on the edge of the mattress. "You give up control when you're alone in here, right?"

He swallowed, and then he said, "Yes."

Holy shit!

"So you can do it. You're doing it all the time."

"Yes."

I was dumbfounded. Why hadn't I seen this the moment I had entered this room? It was so obvious what all this white was for. The absence of any color... no distraction, no interference. He had created a space where he could close himself in to secretly relish his visions and sensations, as if they were illegal drugs.

"And you enjoy it when you're all alone here, don't you? You enjoy being able to give up control?"

"I can be... myself for a little while."

God, Kiddo...

I was close to tears. What for Heaven's sake had they done to him? I reached over and pulled the shirt off his shoulders. "Lay down, baby," I said, as he slipped out of the sleeves, "I want you to be yourself with me now."

He sank down onto his back and laid his forearm across his eyes. His hands were clenched into tight fists. I sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.

If he would only stop shaking like that...

I climbed onto the bed and started to unbutton his jeans. "Try to relax. Everything will be alright," I spoke softly, as I pulled his jeans and boxers down. Other than his troubled mind, his body seemed to know there was nothing to be afraid of. He was rock-hard, and I needed to remind myself to go slow. I stripped off my own clothes, pulled the rubberband out of my hair and lay down next to him. Bracing myself on one elbow, I let my hand ghost over his stomach. "Are you ready?"

"No," he said.

"You look ready enough to me," I teased. He said nothing. "Do you want me to be silent now?"

"No, please... if it is not asking too much, keep on talking to me."

I gently touched his arm. "Edward, love..." I heard another groan rumble through his chest, "please look at me." Reluctantly, he lifted his arm off his face, turned to me and opened his eyes; they were moist with tears.

"Do you trust me?" I asked him.

"I don't trust myself, Annie."

I stroked his face. "Please do. Don't you know how adorable you are, inside and out? That beautiful mind of yours... so captivating. It's just part of what makes you lovable and desirable. You're such an utterly good person, Edward, and you deserve happiness."

With a gasp, he knit his brows and squeezed his eyes shut. Worried that he was about to cry again, I continued, "Let me try to make you happy, Edward. I want it so bad, but I need your help. I need you to open up to me. Please try to relax, just like you do when you're alone in here. Will you?"

"I'll try," he promised.

"That's all I'm asking." I climbed on top of him to straddle his hips. Immediately, his breath became labored and his shaking increased. "Shhh... it's alright. Remember how great we were together in my apartment; remember how good it felt..."

Although the memory got me worked up, it actually seemed to help Kiddo to calm down. He gave me a faint smile and whispered, "Yes." For a moment, I was totally absorbed in the sight of him lying under me... the rise of his chest when he inhaled deeply through his open mouth, and its fall when he exhaled with a quiet, but audible little moan. The slow rhythm was hypnotizing…

With some effort, I turned my attention back to his face. His green eyes pierced into mine, intense. And although his trembling had considerably decreased, I could tell his 'walls' weren't down yet. I knew his gaze wouldn't be that steady, but rather wandering around restlessly, following fireworks and patterns only he could perceive. I had seen him doing it before. But right now, he was still clinging to the bars of his self-made prison.

"Will you tell me when they're down?" I didn't need to explain 'they' for him to know what I was talking about. He nodded yes and licked his lips. Then he reached out his arms for me.

I let myself fall forward and hungrily devoured his mouth. His hands weaved through my open hair that fell around our faces like a heavy, dark curtain, sheltering us from the blinding white outside. For a few moments, we were nothing but lips and tongues. He moaned and bucked his hips under me, and I could feel the velvet skin of his erection twitch against my bottom, the sensation sending hot sparks down my spine.

Easy, Portman... slow...

I pulled my mouth off of his, and once again, I locked eyes with him, silently willing him to surrender. We both stayed perfectly still, even his hands in my hair had stopped moving, and I more mouthed than whispered, "Let go, baby. Please... for me. We will be alright."

He took a deep breath and exhaled through pursed lips, three times, in quick succession, like a free diver preparing for the deepest depths of the ocean. And then I saw it happen. His eyes lost focus and his jaw slightly dropped. His hands in my hair resumed their movements and he pulled my head down to kiss me. When our tongues met, he moaned loudly into my mouth, and the sound made my insides explode with heat.

When the kiss ended and I pulled back, we were both gasping for air. His eyes were hooded, and the familiar wandering began... I could see him focus on spots to the left and to the right of me, above and behind me. He was glowing, his angel face more beautiful than ever, registering serene delight in one second, and amazement and wonder in the next. It was a sight to behold.

His hands went to my face, grazing along its features like the hands of a blind man; touching, exploring, learning, drawing a memory map of my face. His gaze was now fixed on a spot three inches in front of me, and a single sound fell from his smiling lips, half a laugh and half a gasp. He was in rapture, and time seemed to stand still as I watched him, entirely enchanted.

I was dying to know what he was seeing, but I didn't dare to ask, too worried to interfere. After a while, his hands seemed to be saturated with knowledge about my face and continued their journey down my neck and shoulders, until they came to rest on my breasts. I felt it was ok to move and straightened myself up a bit to give him easier access. His breath hitched, and so did mine as I reached behind myself and wrapped my hand around his hard length. When I started to stroke him, a great moan erupted from his chest. His eyes widened, drawn to some visual wonder somewhere at the ceiling, and then he sighed, "Oh..."

Encouraged, I lifted myself up a little until I felt the tip of his cock skim my soaking wet entrance. His hips were rocking underneath me, and I knew it would be alright. I wanted him badly; the thought of him cumming inside of me made me dizzy. I took his hands and guided them to my hips. His gaze, which had been fixed on a distant spot somewhere above me, was now slowly following some invisible trail back down to my face. When it arrived there, I slowly pressed down, and with a quiet whimper I buried him deep inside of me.

I struggled to keep my eyes open at the sensation of him stretching me, filling me completely. It was just too good, I couldn't keep myself from moaning.

And that was it –I saw something flicker in his eyes; he blinked a few times rapidly and then he gasped loudly, "Stop!" His hands gripped my hips, hard, forcing me to freeze. Adrenaline flooded my system and I was back down to earth in a blink.

No, please no...

We stared at each other, panting heavily.

"Don't move," he said.

"Ok," I answered.

The seconds were ticking by. I couldn't believe the blissful bubble had burst just like that. I tried to shift my hips, but his grip was viselike. "Edward, you're h..."

Don't say 'hurting me', Dumbass!

"...you're holding me too tight. Please?"

He let go immediately and pulled his hands back as if something had burned them. I reached out for them and interlaced our fingers. "It's ok, I'm alright," I assured him. "What happened? Have I done something wrong?"

"God, no!" He closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Annie. I just... I need a minute. Please, I can't -"

"Shhhh," I said, and he stopped his apology and swallowed. "You were doing so great, Edward. It was absolutely wonderful to be with you like that. It's ok, just take your time." A brief shudder went through him, and he opened his eyes. I could see doubt and fear in them, but also a silent pleading.

I guided his hands back to my hips and said, "I won't move, unless you tell me to, ok? But baby, I won't give up on you either. I want you to relax and to be yourself, because..." I bent forward and rested on my elbows, the curtain of my hair fanning out around our faces again, and continued, "because your true self is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Edward."

He let go a shattered breath, and whispered, "Annie... you don't know the meaning of 'beautiful' if you haven't seen yourself the way I do." His eyes grew darker and began to glaze over again. He was breathing calmly now, slow but deep breaths, in... out... in... "You are breathtaking, Annie. I have no words to describe the beauty of your true colors, the way they are wrapped around you, woven through you..."

Oh, Kiddo...

I tilted my head down to kiss him and his lips welcomed me, soft and warm. His hands on my hips came to life, lifting me up a bit, and his own hips started to move in a slow rhythm. He moaned quietly and pulled his mouth from mine. This time he whispered so low, I had to read his lips to understand what he was saying. "You are sparkling like a thousand diamonds, and your body sings to me."

God yes, my body is singing operas...

My eyes fluttered close. The sensation of him finally moving in me, together with those words that flowed from his lips like honey, captivated my entire being. I was his, head to toe. And I could tell he had submitted his body and soul to me by the same token, eventually trusting in himself, in us.

He kept on moving underneath me, maintaining the gentle rhythm, but entering me deeper now, and I rocked my own hips to meet his thrusts. It was a different sort of lovemaking... slow, intimate and incredibly intense. Not even our breathing would pick up pace; it just got louder, intensified and more an more mingled with quiet noises of pleasure.

"Annie..."

With some effort, I opened my eyes.

Kiddo was looking at me... and then again, he wasn't. His eyes were moving rapidly, not only following whatever miracles his exceptionally gifted mind projected onto the white screens of his room, but also shifting back and forth between his visions and reality. I saw his pupils dilate and contract alternately, deliberately meeting my gaze again and again. Tears were rolling down his temples and got lost in his hair. His chest was heaving.

"Annie..." he whispered again.

"What is it, love, are you ok?" I asked between heavy breaths.

"Oh, God..." he moaned, "Annie... "

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I rested my forehead against his and whispered to him, "Of course you do..."

His eyes fell shut. "Annie... I love you, I love you so much... oh God... oh, my God..." I straightened myself as he thrust into me forcefully one last time. He drew in a deep breath, and then he stopped breathing at all and threw his head back. His mouth opened wide, as if to cry out, but no sound emerged. I felt his cock pulsate and pump inside of me, again and again. Without taking my eyes off of his face, which had come undone in ecstasy, I reached down to rub against myself, and within seconds, I was close.

When his long, unbridled cry finally forged ahead, it was all I needed to fall over the edge. I whimpered his name and collapsed on top of him, before his cry ended. But when it did, he wrapped his arms around me, clinging onto my body like a drowning man, with his face nestled against my shoulder. I put my arms around his neck and held him tight, while he still moaned and panted.

After a while, our breathing slowed down and he rolled us onto our sides, but didn't let go of me. I stroked his hair, and asked softly, "Are you alright, Kiddo?"

He didn't move, and it took him a few moments to answer. And then he simply said, "Yes." After yet a few more moments, he whispered, "Thank you." And then his shoulders started to shake, slightly first, but more frantic by the minute.

I kissed his hair and said, "It's alright; cry if you must, it's a good thing." His embrace grew tighter, and he gave a brief groan. "You have to get this out of you, it's ok..." I continued softly, "don't hold back, don't ever hold back again... let it all out. I'll be here as long as you need me."

When he finally went to pieces in my arms, he kept on sobbing helplessly for a long time. I knew it was necessary. And I knew it was healing. I had no idea how many tears were needed to wash away years of painful self-denial and constant fear and misguided attempts to be a 'normal person'. But I knew it was a start. He would be better after this.

He had said he was alright. He had said, 'thank you'.

He had also said that he loved me.

But people say a lot in the throes of passion.

Don't they?